7 Things People Say When You Have A Cute, Crooked Nose


Human beings are curious, observant, and compelled to communicate with one another about their surroundings: all things that make for rude commentary, which is a skill that many human beings seem to pride themselves in honing. For those of us with ~distinct~ features, this commentary is normally geared to pointing out the obvious. It is obvious that my nose is crooked, that I broke it juuuuust a teensy bit, in such a way that it did not demand correction. Here are a few things people say about it.

“You look just like *insert name of celebrity you look nothing like who has a big nose here*!”

Oddly enough, basically no one looks like Sarah Jessica Parker. She’s just one of the only celebrities who doesn’t have a perfect nose and didn’t spend money to drastically alter it. I also do not look like Adrien Brody. Thanks, though? Thank you for that quick association? Like, what is it with people playing word association with other people’s appearances? Fun game: when, upon meeting you, someone tells you that you remind them of a random celebrity, squint hard at their face and say “yeah, Ray Romano.” Male or female. Just spread that one around.

“Are you *insert ethnicity here*?”

Oh yeah, my face is totally an invitation for you to play “Guess That Genealogy!” What about a broken nose says “ethnically ambiguous?” You don’t fall on your face and into a fun new origin story. Stop asking people about their ethnicity based on their face, their features aren’t pieces of flair.

“You have a really…unique face.”

Always a strange compliment to receive. You squeak “thanks!” but you think about what they mean: your face was that dramatically different from what, all the other thousands of faces they saw today? Why did they need to tell you how unique it was? What if you told them they have a really unique ass, like how would that go over? Valid questions.

“You have a really…strong jawline.”


“You have such a…distinct look.”


*Squints at you, tilts head* “Did you get a haircut?”

No, I didn’t. You’re just always looking at me from the right, and now you’re on my left and my face is different. This is awkward for both of us, I don’t want to explain this. I’ll seem self-obsessed, you’ll feel weird or unobservant. It’s just too much. So, in short: “no, but I did part it differently today!”

“You could get that fixed.”

I appreciate your honesty, and I hope you will appreciate mine: you could fuck right off. Glad we straightened that out.

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