8 Epic Anti-Turkey Thanksgiving Celebrations (Including F*cksgiving)


Why would anyone be Anti-Thanksgiving? Maybe you don’t have a family, maybe a turkey raped you, maybe you just don’t have the cash to throw down on a big meal. Either way, there are plenty of us out there who would rather find our own tradition than stuffing our pie holes full of stuffing and our stuffing holes full of pie. Here are some new traditions that almost anyone would enjoy.

1. Movie Day

Jews have been doing this on Christmas for years, so why don’t you? There’s something satisfactory about going into a theater totally behind on the season’s cinema and leaving with six films and four gallons of popcorn behind you. If you don’t want to pay for all of those tickets and you’re above sneaking into theater after theater (look at you!), you can always clear out your Netflix queue or blow through an iTunes gift card worth of $3.99 rentals.

2. Get Drunk

The night before Thanksgiving has long been known as the best night of the year to go out so there has to be some party animals still out the day of. Lord knows I’ve been on a pre-Turkey coke bender that’s had me jonesing the next morning for a bump of powered sugar and a couple stiff cranberry vodkas.

3. Catch Up On Serial

If you haven’t been listening to Serial, use your day off to sink your teeth into Sarah Koenig’s investigation into this 1995 murder trial. Hours of the podcast have been posted already, enough for a full day to be spent listening and studying the supplemental material found on the Serial website.

4. Clean Your House

I know, this one doesn’t jump off the page as a particularly fun way to spend your day off, but trust me when I say that it will provide the most satisfactory possible result. While your co-workers will spend Black Friday scraping green bean casserole off of their best china, you will be kicking it hard in your polished palace.

5. Volunteer

Won’t you feel so much better than everyone at work when they return from the break five pounds heavier and you’re just sitting there like, “Yeah, I fed the homeless, no big deal. Can I have that sweater if it doesn’t fit you anymore?”

6. Sleep

Just do it. Just get a box of Z-Quil or ask a friend for one of their Ambien or drink until your head smashes into the pillow. However you get there, just go and do it and wake up looking and feeling as beautiful as you are, you professional sleep model.

7. Binge Watch Pretty Little Liars

You can do it! You know you want to! You know you want to watch the whole series so that I have someone to talk to about the Christmas Special, which is airing December 9th and which you’ll totally watch because you will have been all caught up on the series thus far and totally invested in it and completely hoping that Ezria remain together forever and ever and ever!

8. Staycation

This is what I’m doing with my day. My boyfriend and I consider the day before Thanksgiving to be our anniversary, so we’re headed up to Santa Barbara to celebrate Fucksgiving. Gobble gobble, much?!