8 Imaginary Guys Talk About What Really Turns Them On
By Matt Powers
1. Jason, 25
“What turns me on? Honestly, I get really turned on when we’re outside on a sunny day, lying on a picnic blanket and I’m watching her read poetry, staring at her lips as they gently purse and fall apart, waxing and waning as each syllable spills out and paints the summer breeze with—hahaha, oh my god. I’m sorry. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. The answer is her tits, definitely her tits.”
2. Drew, 38
“I usually work a solid 10 hours a day in customer service, so by the time I get home I’m exhausted. She respects my routine: I come home, take off my work clothes, sprawl out naked on the water bed like that guy in the Da Vinci sketch, put on my Oculus headset (all I have right now is the “Flying Through Space” video) and noise-canceling headphones and play that song from the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Once I’m settled in, she’ll put the food she prepared in the oven at 125 degrees and blow me while I’m flying through outer space. After that we have a really great night: eat dinner, go get ice cream, talk about our day, go see a movie, I’ll go down on her, stuff like that. The whole process of coming home is a real turn on.”
3. Kevin, 27
“We met in our Anthropology 101 class, started going to CrossFit, then got really into paleo, so that’s what we like to find in our sex life. I’ll barbecue a rack of ribs and she’ll stare at me from the kitchen window, begging with wide puppy-dog eyes, and I’ll glare at her with a furrowed Neanderthal brow. When I carry the ribs inside with my bare hands we’re both in character—no talking, just grunts. Then I’ll throw the ribs on the kitchen floor and squat like I’m shitting, weight on my heels, and eat the ribs. While I’m eating she’ll try and grab a rib and I’ll slap her hand and growl at her (it’s more like a combination of a bark and a growl) until I’m finished with my share. Then she exchanges sex for her half of the food and lodgings…pretty similar to real life when you think about it.”
4. Taylor, 20
“I like when she puts my balls in her mouth. She’ll go down on me, and every so often she’ll put my balls in her mouth. There’s a weird thrill to it, when she’s looking at me with them in her mouth, I’m terrified and aroused at the same time. It’s the ultimate trust. At any moment she could destroy me.”
5. Steve, 41
“I didn’t exactly ‘compete’ in ‘athletics’ like a lot of people in my family. I don’t really care, it doesn’t bother me and my wife knows that…I don’t know where I was going with that, but as far as what turns me on, I like when I’m relaxing, watching a complicated TED Talk or something, and she crawls up to me in the downward-dog position, hips shifting side to side like a panther in her black lace underwear, climbs up my lap, gets really close to my ear, and whispers ‘You’re nothing like your father…or your brothers…I hate tall men…you’re stronger and more attractive than them…I wouldn’t fuck them if they were the last men on earth…you’re the only one who’s ever made me cum…’ Oh, man. I’m getting turned on just talking about it.”
6. Hank, 73
“Mutual silence.”
7. Doug, 55
“My wife teaches Anthropology and we both get really turned on doing the whole teacher/student fantasy. She makes me use the alias ‘Kevin’ and even set me up with the University’s web portal so I can start sending her sweet nothings through email before I meet her in her office hours. One time she accidentally emailed the real Kevin and told me that right as I was pulling into the parking structure. She said she had to have sex with him or else he might discover my fake email address and tell the university, so we really dodged a bullet there.”
8. Dave, 32
“My wife and I met at the X Games and bonded over out mutual respect for Travis Pastrana; the guy just pushes the limits, pure fucking adrenaline. Nothing gets us turned on like extreme sports, and being focused individuals, we want to push each other’s limits together toward a common goal. We’ve lined the floor of our guestroom with industrial fans and hung a few sex swings from the ceiling so we can train to be the first couple to have sex – to completion – while in free-fall. Obviously we have to give ourselves the best chances with time, so we’re wearing crotchless/assless wing suits combined with a HALO (High Altitude, Low Open) jump from 30,000 feet: that’s jumping out into 25 degree, low oxygen air from the height of Mount Everest, giving me about five minutes to pump to completion without the help of gravity as we watch the ground approach. Pure. Fucking. Adrenaline.”