8 Irrational But Completely Excusable Things You Should Do After A Breakup


So you and your boo, best-friend-for-life, supposed-to-be-forever beau broke up. It is not the end of the world, although it feels like it. Basically you’re a mess and you don’t see how deep you’re in it. But spiraling out of control is totally normal, if not regrettable. I’ve lived, learned and healed — and hope the cycle won’t repeat so harshly. Here’s my reflection, also further detailed in my memoir. And remember, feeling and looking good are the ultimate revenge.

1. Be in denial.

You’re totally fine! I don’t need him! Party on! But pretty soon, you’re trying to understand what went wrong but at the same time don’t want to bring up terrible feelings from the recent past. So maybe you break down in yoga or a Soul Cycle class. Then eventually realize you probably need therapy for the real deal confrontation of your issues.

“I also cried again to the shakes. The physical pain was my mantra, my release.”

2. Breakcation.

It’s so cliche to Eat, Pray, Love but you decide to run away to a whole new world, a destination YOU wanted to go to, not some semi-mandatory couples vacation. Take your own break anyways. Eat the entire bowl of pasta. Have dessert by yourself, or some stranger’s. #vacationdiet #yolo

“I didn’t cry a single tear abroad. It never crossed my mind.”

3. Make out or hook up with a bunch of people you just met.

Like an embarrassing amount. You are so vulnerable and lost. You’re sloppy. You don’t even realize how many people you’ve made out with until you start counting the fingers on your hand (does the nameless drunk guy in front of your apartment count?). You just wanted to disappear yet you rebound like a boomerang.

“I thought about how much I failed at relationships — getting taken advantage of by married men, feeling guilted into being physical, etc.”

4. Stalk them on social media. (You know you’re going to do it anyway.)

The internet gods make our lives so public. Sure you may have already deleted your couple profile engagement photos but if he hasn’t blocked you, you’re checking up on what he’s up to or who he’s dating, wondering why he’s at the place you two used to frequent. Be careful with the twiddling thumbs so you don’t accidentally notify him of your snoopy tendencies. Besides, you already wrote that long, sad letter or snippy, angry text.

“I saw my ex’s Instagram again. Why, what the hell, I said out loud. It was the only time I felt angry.”

5. Annoy the hell out of your girlfriends.

You’re complaining, you’re crying — you’re all over the place. You get needy, sensitive, moody and depressed but if you disappear they need to keep track of you, too. They love you and eventually will forgive you.

“Throughout the whole weekend, I acted like a brat.”

6. Go on a terrible diet.

Hate-working out and sad-eating are the reality. Eating issues surface because our intake of food is so highly emotional. Either you get depressed and skinny-ripped because food might not taste the same anymore or you get ten pounds heavier because cheese and wine are pseudo-filling the empty space in your heart.

“As soon as I crunched into the cheese, I realized it was the place I ordered a whole pie from back in the late winter. I inhaled half of that previous order in bed in the middle of the night.”

7. Be terrible at dating.

You cling onto notions. You get too naive and hopeful that someone will save you emotionally. You start jumping to conclusions. You were in a relationship for so long you don’t even know the rules anymore. That guy you think is “the one” is only because of the intensity of your new feelings, not because this one is right for you either.

“Whatever. I reverted back to my middle school days, journaling jumping from one boy crush to another, some marriage scenario jump-rope game. I was so good at bouncing!”

8. Change your hair.

Bleach it or chop it off — you’re looking for a new identity or to come dramatically into the one you’ve always wanted. Go bold or go home because who wants to be reminded of the past in the mirror reflection.

“I visualized being a ray of light, the golden girl with the golden hair.”