8 Personal Pictures I Would Like To Release Now Before Hackers Leak Them


It’s clear that hackers have absolutely no respect for anyone’s privacy. While it is terrifying to think of these cretins getting into your personal information, it’s important to stay one step ahead of them. That’s why I’ve decided to leak all of my personal and controversial pictures now before someone else does it for me. Warning, some of these are very inappropriate.

1. Simply Sublime

Oh goodness, let’s just get this one out of the way. This shirtless pic was snapped a few years back. I’m not sure why I was disrobing in public, but why I can confirm is that sun tattoo looks eerily similar to the Sublime logo. I’m not proud of this, but I’d rather you find out from me than 4chan.


2. Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Pics

This one is really tough to release, but unfortunately I went as the guy from the Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wives viral video for Halloween one year. I realize this may cost me future employment, but it was only a matter of time.


3. The Florida State Flag

Yes, that’s me proudly wearing an Ed Hardy hat and giving some upside down peace signs. Dear god, what have I done?


4. Nip

This was sent to a former lover during a round of “sexting” a while back. I had not shaved beforehand, my face or my titty, so it is very raw and real. Sometimes it’s good to see models without all the makeup and professional lighting so I’m fine with this one finally coming out.


5. The Dove

I honestly don’t know what is happening here, but apparently I released a dove like John Woo in 1998.


6. Swift Justice

In addition to wearing that ridiculous Ed Hardy hat, there are also photos floating around where I was crudely photoshopped into Taylor Swift’s delightful “Shake It Off” video. I would like to state that T. Swift had nothing to do with this, nor did anyone in her camp.


7. Not So Fancy

This is truly as private as it gets. Apparently someone snapped this photo of me trying to learn all the words to Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” while sitting at my former residence. I prayed this would never surface, but now all I can do is apologize.


8. Deep Regrets

Oh no. Casual khakis, a white tanktop, and a Tupac-style bandana on hair with what appears to be frosted tips or at least lowlights. College was indeed a confusing time, but I must stay ahead of the hackers. Please don’t let this chance your wholesome, pure perception of me.

I’d like to thank my friends and family for standing by me during this difficult time. It’s difficult, yet strangely empowering. Fight the system.