8 Phone Apps & Features That Need To Be Invented


Smartphone cameras have improved dramatically in the past few years with increased megapixel performance and a greater array of built-in features. Now it’s easier than ever to point and shoot to capture those treasured moments. However, while the phones are getting smarter, we as users are getting dumber. Here are eight sorely needed features/apps:

1. Decapitation Prevention

Handy if the majority of your pictures resemble a group of French Revolution guillotine victims. While you frame up the shot, a lack-of-face recognition setting detects that you’ve severed some of your subjects at the neck, causing the camera to automatically zoom out to avoid another embarrassing Headless Horseman picture.

2. Photo Bomb Foiler

Designed to reduce the occurrence of strangers darting into the frame right when the picture is taken. After the shutter button is pressed, a small motion detector is activated. Any abrupt movement in front of the camera converts normal flash into High Intensity Optic Disabling mode, temporarily blinding the perpetrator. Picture can now be taken undisturbed, as he writhes on the floor, screaming and clawing at his fused retinas.

3. Private Parts Pixelator

When activated, this setting enables the camera to detect boobs, butts and other naughty bits. Any inappropriate anatomy that appears in the viewfinder is tastefully pixelated. Lockable Parental/Congressmen Mode discourages adolescent, poorly thought out sexting.

Photo Tip: Be sure to disable this feature at Mardi Gras, wet t-shirt contests and political fundraisers.

4. Inebriated Image Inhibitor

Advanced red-eye reduction software picks out boozy, bloodshot eyeballs and places a black bar over them to hide the identity of the soused subject. At the same time, an on-board Breathalyzer is activated. Readings above .08 result in camera substituting original incriminating picture(s) with image(s) from a built-in library of innocuous stock photos of 15th century architecture. Your Facebook friends will thank you in the morning or after they get out of jail or both.

5. Body Mass Reduction

Ordinary cameras make you look 10 pounds heavier. This feature can take off twenty! Camera estimates body mass by analyzing the number of pixels needed to render the subject. Excessive pixels are digitally replaced with clones of surrounding background pixels to create a “slimmer” body. Hello, bikini season!

Photo Tip:

In cases of chronic obesity, the Body Mass Reduction feature may create a distorted Funhouse Mirror Effect or Inescapable Dark Matter Black Hole. Your individual results may vary.

6. Rabbit Ear Removal

In any group shot some clown always pulls the old “rabbit ears” gag, by placing his fingers in a V behind someone else’s head. This nifty function isolates the offending digits and with a little automatic Photoshop-style erasing – Presto! The “rabbit” disappears! Optional setting allows rabbit ears to be cut and pasted onto the prankster.

7. Paparazzi Preventer

Keep your photos from looking like the horrible celebrity shots that are featured on the covers of shameless tabloids! Special filters reduce the appearance of unflattering features such as baggy eyes, double chins, cellulite and love handles. Auto-bad-angle eliminator ensures your subject won’t be be grimacing like they just swallowed a cockroach or look sickly and washed-out with only weeks to live! Digitally reduces ugly color intensity – the reds of angry faces, the purples of alcohol-induced bruises and the pinks of scars, zits and blemishes on make-up free faces. Perfect for updating your passport!

8. Finger in Frame Alert

Touch-screen technology senses epidermal contact with lens and delivers a painful electric shock to alert user that his thumb is blocking the frame.

Photo Tip: Repeated shocks will drain the battery rapidly. Don’t forget to keep a charging cable in your pocket if you are a pudgy-fingered klutz.