8 Things I Wish I Told You On Our First Date


1. I saw you pick your nose.
Which really isn’t a problem, necessarily. Except, you my friend were digging for some serious treasures up there. And then, you so kindly shared the wealth with me while we were partaking in eating cheesy nachos as our “foreplay” appetizer. So when you asked me why I wasn’t so eager to go to town, to go chip for chip with you during our little share time, that’s why. They say you are what you eat and I’m certainly not your gushy green booger.

Moving on.

2. You lost me at “My ex-girlfriend.”
I’m all about name-dropping on a first date.

Romney. Ruther Bader Ginsburg. Ryan Reynolds as my imaginary boyfriend.

But when you bring up, “she who shall not be named” and tell me about your three week vacation to some sunny island like Antigua, and then, pull up a photo collage of you and this girl in a bikini (who is, of course, 1/3 my body weight), and end this mangled tale with the concurrent knowledge that this took place only 17 days ago, I suddenly lost my appetite, again.

3. Well, that was awkward.
You know, when you walked me home and right in front of my doorman building you went in for a smooch and I, well I turned my head. And so, the edges of your guacamole stained chapped lips suction cupped my ears. Yes, I did feel your moist tongue swipe my cochlea and because of that, I may never hear the same.

4. I already knew that about you.
I Googled searched you and then crosschecked my findings with the local police department. The world is filled with whack jobs and I’d like to do everything I can beforehand to ensure myself that I’m not spending the evening with a serial killer. And in doing so, I also picked up the knowledge that you were a varsity lacrosse champ, recently attended your sister Kristin’s wedding in North Carolina, and enjoy mixing your Coca-Cola with 7UP. It’s really creepy how much there is on the Internet about people. If this bothers you, you could at least consider deleting your MySpace account.

5. The apartment you walked me home to, isn’t mine.
Please see above for further explanation.

6. My hair really isn’t blonde.
Your online dating profile says you prefer to date girls with champagne colored hair. Well, naturally, mine looks more like Jack and Coke.

7. Your dating profile also says you’re 6’3.
I guess we all lie, a little bit huh?

8. There are a few things I didn’t tell you, about me.
I don’t eat meat. Red wine puts me to sleep. I’m still in love with my e­x, too. My lips tremble like a broken record when I’m nervous. I get violently uneasy on dates when the bill comes.

But I bet you noticed this, didn’t you? 

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