8 Things I’ve Lost In My Twenties That Prove I’m Doing It Wrong


Albert Einstein once said “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.” But… I can’t explain anything well. Not how I feel, not what I want out of life, not even what I want on my Chipotle burrito. Just kidding, of course I know what I want on my Chipotle burrito you animal. So all of this made me think…am I doing something wrong? Can one “do life” wrong?

Because if it’s possible to mess “life” up, then leave it to me, sistah.

Recently I wrote an article about things I learned in my 20s. It seems everyone is doing that these days. Due to my belief that I may be doing ‘life’ wrong I see it only fitting to now write a list of things I have lost in my 20’s.

1. My dignity. In pretty much every way possible. For example, I cooked bacon in my underwear this summer because I lived in an apartment where I couldn’t afford air conditioning. I also sometimes use paper as a plate. So.

2. My phone, my shoes, socks, purse, credit card, pants (idk) and other items at various drinking establishments.

3. A few jobs here and there. Apparently you can’t take a jar of pickles in the back and eat the whole thing because that is called ‘stealing’. Also – this concept extends to peanut butter. You can’t do that either.

4. I lost my will to be curious about myself. I don’t want to know anything that goes on inside this head of mine. Seriously. When I was driving yesterday I thought about how funny it would be take my roommate, set her in a chocolate pudding pool and time how fast it would take her to swim race against my 10 pound dog Barb.

5. My legitimacy. I have a menacing ability to manipulate and exaggerate things not worth exaggerating. Like how today I told my roommates I got hit by a car. But I really just got nudged by a car. So what I mean is that I slipped on ice and bumped into a parked car.

6. The normal functioning ability of my liver. Turns out binge drinking causes health problems long term. Who knew?!

7. …I did. I knew.

8. The pride I had from skipping the 1st grade. Because that really just means I thought Benjamin Franklin was a president, turned 21 last, and assumed it was acceptable to tell your teacher you have smallpox without repercussions.

So, I think the verdict is that there isn’t just one right way to do “life.” There are just a lot of wrong ways. So be yourself, except a little better, and you should be just fine.

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