8 Things to Expect When You Date A Maternal Girl


1. She’ll always be prepared.

Random headache? Don’t sweat it, Babe. I’ve got Aspirin, Ibuprofen, and Aleve—take your pick. Forget your phone charger on our romantic weekend away? I’ve got a spare. Spill some ketchup on your shirt? Let me just dig out my handy dandy Tide-to-Go! Sure, it might get annoying to haul three bags around for four days, but you’ll thank me when the car breaks down and we manage to survive on my keep-the-boyfriend-from-getting-“hangry” stockpile of snacks while waiting for the tow truck to show up.

2. You’ll never go hungry.

Part of being a good caretaker (whether your child is two, or twenty-two) is realizing that they have needs that must be met—especially hunger. When you’re dating the maternal type you will always be well fed. Plus, she’ll usually cook breakfast in an oversized shirt belonging to you and a cute pair of lacy undies. I can guarantee your mom never did that for you.

3. She’ll be your voice of reason.

Whenever you’re on the verge of making a dumb decision, your maternal girl will be the voice in your head (or right there next to you IRL) steering you in the more reasonable direction. Whether it’s convincing you not to get an ass tat after you’ve had a few too many or giving you a bit of financial advice while clothes shopping, she’s going to echo what you know your mother would be saying in her place. The only difference is, she’ll support whatever decision you ultimately make, and there won’t be quite as much nagging.

4. She’ll urge you oh-so-gently to mind your manners.

Last weekend, the boyfriend and I were at Chili’s for our usual date night. After two tiny bites of a bacon cheeseburger, he announced that he was ready for dessert. I chastised my twenty going on twelve-year-old boyfriend in my trademark soft-stern tone for rushing and trying to order the next course prematurely. When you’re dating a maternal girl, expect her to remind you to eat your vegetables, and to say your “pleases” and “thank you’s.” Consider her the polite little angel perched (with perfect posture) atop your right shoulder, whispering hints about how to behave appropriately in all situations.

5. You’ll forever be looking at (or creeping on) adorable babies in public with her.

Teensy tiny shoes are SO FREAKING CUTE, so get used to it. Not to alarm you, but from the moment you began pursuing a maternal girl, she started envisioning exactly how your future children would look, wondering if there were any genetic disorders that might affect said offspring, and imagining what kind of father you’d make.

6. She’s settled down.

You won’t ever have to look around the bar in search of your maternal girl only to find her dancing her ass off on top of a table. In fact, she’s usually the one trying to coax said girl off the table so she can sit down, eat a burger, drink a glass of water, and sober up while discussing whatever’s bothering her enough to attempt drowning her sorrows.

7. Your actual mom will feel at ease.

The moment you introduce your mother to your maternal girl, she’ll instantly breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that her son is in safe hands and is less likely to get into trouble as long as you’re at his side. In case you do happen to get into trouble, your girl has your mom on speed dial so she can get a copy of the medical insurance card or whatever other information the situation calls for in 45 seconds or less.

8. Your friends and family will automatically adore her.

Your younger siblings will love your maternal girl for her vast knowledge of Disney movies (no doubt derived from the years of babysitting), your parents will think she’s turning you into the man they’ve always secretly prayed you’d become, and your friends will appreciate her slightly subpar but love-filled culinary creations.

While she may not make your wildest fantasies come true, have mile-long legs, wear leather, or take shots until she’s the newest face of Total Frat Move, your maternal girl will always take care of you and she’ll do her absolute best to make you happier than any other girl ever could.