8 Things You MUST Do In Order To Be Feminist
Follow these 8 honestly almost ridiculously simple rules to be a proper modern-day feminist. Otherwise you might as well be Ann Coulter. Or Sarah Palin. Or just some basic bitch (it’s OK, we’re reclaiming the word).
1. Have a Kickstarter for your Tumblr of dresses you tried to sell on Etsy but weren’t really selling so you’re putting them on Betabrand
These physically uncomfortable but emotionally welcoming frocks say things like “This is what a feminist smells like” or “My vag, my –ina” on them. If you run out of original thoughts, just ironically copy and paste text from 50 Shades of Grey onto the bodice. Where do you find it? I don’t know, I’m sure you can torrent it or something.
Actually, you know what? Fuck it. That’s not enough. If you’re really committed, you’ll weave a dress out of Gloria Steinem’s pubes.
2. Start a rad feminist organization at your local college or university
Not in college? Not a problem. College is a hotbed of super-radical-anarcho-legit political activity and people there will finally take you as seriously as you deserve to be taken.
Buy a laminating machine, print yourself a fake student ID, and you’re ready to mold the minds of tomorrow. Start your own chapter of a renowned organization such as Women Against Women Who Hate Women or Vaginas Against Violence. Items for your first meeting MUST include:
“Whoa, did you ever notice women sounds like ‘wombin’?”
“Is your cat unwittingly part of the patriarchy?”
“How to record your spoken-word album in the bathtub cause the reverb in there is sick”
3. Get breast implants
WHAT?! you exclaim, spitting your ‘bucha all over your Tumblr dashboard. Slow your roll, chica-lady.
Get implants OF famous feminist icons!
We recommend Susan B. Anthony on the left and Sojourner Truth on the right. Now when dudes look at your chest, they’ll be Face to Face With Feminism!TM
4. Become pansexual
Don’t want to fuck a tree? Tough shit. You may not want to sex that old fir down by Old Witch Creek, but you NEED to be open-minded about the palm fronds down by the swamp.
5. Use some weird doll thimble when you have your period
TAMPONS ARE SHAMPONS!
Actually, I’m not sure why. Cause of the environment?
Pop a cap off a natural cane sugar-sweetened dolphin-safe soda bottle and use that!
Or just bleed out until it becomes one with the earth, like Mama Gaia intended.
6. Become President of your country or nation-State
If you can dream it, you can do it. Except flying.
7. Insist Christ was a woman
Even if you aren’t Christian and/or don’t believe (S)He existed, do some #Internetactivism and comment this on any message board where Believers hang.
You can also take it #offline and just scream it at people walking into your local church.
Or a church far away if you feel like taking a vacation or just don’t want to be arrested in your hometown.
8. Become a hashtag
You’re probably already a hashtag activist, hashing your way to harmony with popular ones like #FreeYrLabia and #OuchMyTitties.
Why not take it a step further and commit by transforming yourself 100% into an actual hashtag? The singularity is here, and its name is #Feminism. Welcome to the #future.
If you follow these simple ultimatums, no one will ever have any reason to doubt your commitment to feminism!