8 True & Terrifying Tales Of “Sticking Your D*ck In Crazy” (NSFW)

1. I learned the difference between “herpes or AIDS” and “herpes and AIDS.”

So I slept with this this girl at a wedding, both very very drunk. I wasn’t planning on sleeping with anyone so I didn’t bring any condoms. I asked her if she had HIV or herpes or anything and she said no. So the next day a mutual friend came up to me and told me that she had Herpes and HIV, and said that this bitch didn’t tell me because I asked of she had either instead of both. So over the next year I got tested every month for genital herpes and HIV. Longest year of my life, but I was negative on both tests every time.

2. She stole my shit and then tried selling it back to me.

Well. She cheated on me with 8 guys. Including her brother, stepfather, one of my friends, others. Tried to say at beginning that she got chlamydia from a toilet. That her pregnancy was my child. Stole some of my shit. Tried to sell me back my shit for drug money. Became a stripper when dating. The list goes on.

But goddamn. Dat ass.

3. She used to call me in the middle of the night and tell me she was cutting herself.

Partway through sex she started acting out a weird rape fantasy. I was having trouble getting into it. I’m rather vanilla when it comes to my fetishes, I suppose.

She used to call me in the middle of the night and tell me she was cutting herself. She wasn’t really.

She had these odd night terrors and I couldn’t tell if they were real or if they were just some kind of strange cry for attention. She’d be screaming in her sleep and acting like she was crying. I don’t wanna speculate as to the validity of these “night terrors” but I would be lying if I didn’t say I had my doubts. You’d just kind of have to know her to fully understand the behavior of this person and why I’d suspect she was faking these things.

Then when I broke up with her she told all my friends I beat her and abused her.

For months and months after we broke up she sent me MySpace messages (yes, this was a long time ago) telling me how she missed me and no one else could get her off and how she thought about me when she was with other guys. And when I said “bitch, you told people I hit you” she responded with “Well I was mad.”

After I got married she tried to call me a few times. My wife answered the phone once and told her in no uncertain terms, but very politely, that if she kept bothering me she was going to kick her teeth in.

Never heard from her again.

4. She was going nuts…talking in tongues and acting completely insane.

Was engaged to this chick. She was a handful. Things were great in the beginning but ended up really really bad by the end. 2.5 years into the relationship, she changed completely. She was acting totally weird and I thought she was just going through a rough time or whatever. We all have our moments.

WRONG!

We were out one night with her sister and at the end of the night as I am driving us all home, she turns super quiet in the front seat of my car. I ask her what’s wrong and she tells me to pull over so I do at a coffee shop parking lot and she gets out. She hasn’t said anything but “pull over” in the last 20ish minutes.

She gets out of the car and her sister went out with her. I was tuning the radio for like 1/2 a second and looked back up and my fiancée was attacking her sister. I got out of the car immediately and by the time I got over to her, she was choking her sister out with her sister’s scarf. I ended up pulling her off and she was going nuts…talking in tongues and acting completely insane. I tried to calm her down but she kept lashing out. I ended up pinning her down and calling 911. While I was on the phone with 911 she managed to free her arms and was scratching them on the pavement and bleeding out of the tips of her fingers..it was nuts.

Long story short, she ended up getting committed to a mental institution for 4 months. I ended up having to pay all the bills on a single income and when she got out, after 2 months decided that we weren’t a good fit anymore and called off the engagement.

TL;DR: Stuck it in clinically insane. It sucked big time.

5. She lied about an assault that never occurred, which she tried to provoke, and I had to go to jail.

We dated for about a year and a half, and lived together for about 6 months of that, but then we broke it off and she got a rental house. I didn’t think it went too horribly, but then I ran into her out at a bar a few months later. I was talking to a girl when she saw me, and looking back I think she got jealous, but she invited me to an after party at her house that night. I went, and there were a few people there, but then people started clearing out and she wouldn’t let me leave her house (physical violence on her part, but I refused to hit her back) by holding the door closed / slamming it on my arm, trying to choke hold me, etc. Then she broke my cell phone when I went to call the police. (It was a clamshell, broken in half.)

When I finally got out the sun was coming up, and I tried to get on my motorcycle but she jumped on the back (no helmet or anything) so I couldn’t go anywhere. (I did actually think of driving off and trying to throw her with the momentum, but I didn’t want to kill her.)

I was able to get her off of the bike by dismounting, and then she pushed it over onto the ground. She was trying to tempt me to hit her – she even said so. I stood the bike up and walked away with my helmet to a nearby strip mall until I thought she would have gone inside, then went back for my bike about a half hour later.

I went to the courthouse and tried to get a restraining order, but the magistrate lied to me and said I couldn’t get one. I found out later from my lawyer that in my case, since we had lived together, the magistrate was wrong.

She was able to get a restraining order against me and filed an assault charge, even though the only physical contact I had with her was my trying to get away from her psychotic attacks. I had a black eye, scratches, and bruises all over from being kicked, punched, pulled and having the door slammed on me a few times; but she only had a few bruises on her wrists from my blocking her strikes, and a scratch on her butt when she fell down on the concrete because I pushed her away from me while trying to leave. (Through my lawyer, I saw the pictures the police took and they were nothing like the injury pictures I had. My pictures didn’t matter, though.)

The assault charge “on a female” carries heavier weight, so I lawyered up, but had to turn myself in at a certain time to avoid spending a night in jail (I went to jail with lawyer escort in the early morning, had court in the afternoon, and was out of jail around dinner time) – there was apparently no avoiding the jail part because of the “on a female” part of the assault charge..

TL;DR – she lied about an assault that never occurred, which she tried to provoke, and I had to go to jail

6. She pretended to be Jewish so nobody would call her a Nazi at school.

Ahh, my first proper girlfriend.

I was 17 and in secondary school in Ireland, this gloriously eccentric Jewish Austrian girl sweeps me off my feet. Everything is great for the first year – Austrians are far more sex-positive than Irishfolk, and she helped me get over all sorts of cultural hang-ups that Irish people are taught to have about sex. Great.

Then she tells me that my mother is stealing from her. Clothes, that sort of thing. Also she tells me that my mother is telling her horrible things every time I’m not in the room. Of course I believe her because I’m now an 18-year-old idiot, and why my mother says to me that this girl is no good, I stop talking to my mother. And, pretty soon, the rest of my family. I didn’t notice it at the time, but any time I spoke to any of them or expressed any positive feelings towards them, my girlfriend would soon reveal to me that this family member had been spreading lies about her and is deceitful/crazy/abusive/thieving/whatever.

So I move to Austria three days after finishing secondary school. At this point I’m completely alone in the world except for this girlfriend and her family. Who turn out to be raging anti-Semites and racists (and not Jewish at all). When I discover this, my girlfriend tells me she only pretended to be Jewish so nobody would call her a Nazi at school.

Eventually, over the next few years, it came out that she had lied about almost every single detail of her past – even her birthday. She was clever enough to dodge or explain away almost every one of them, though, and I was in love so I didn’t take much convincing.

I wish I could say that I saw the light and got out of it on my own steam, but the truth is that she left me for someone in her economics program. Given that I was completely alone in a foreign land (my German was okay, but not brilliant), I was devastated. But then I started to realize just how much shit she had lied about, and eventually realized that all the horrible things I believed about my family were things that she had told me. I moved to Los Angeles near my father, enrolled in community college, got a job at a company that makes shit that goes in space (satellites, but still cool), got lots of therapy, and now I’m a happily-married, productive member of society. I even buried the hatchet with my mother after a while.

TLDR: Compulsive liars do not make good partners, especially if you’re 17 and unusually naive.

7. She became obsessed with Michael Jackson, then became a self-described “crack whore.”

This was around the time when Michael Jackson died.

She had never shown an obvious interest in his music before (we were both Goth) and this was around a month into a relationship. Everything was going fairly well, I’d go to hers after we finished college and hang out.

Then MJ died and everything took a nosedive. She became obsessed with Michael Jackson. His music, style, even took dancing lessons. I’d go over there like usual and she had a VHS of Michael Jackson music videos playing on loop for 6-8 hours whilst I was there.

It was when she contacted me saying that she met a Yakuza in our little seaside England town, and was going to be away training with him as she believed herself to be a “born assassin” that I finally caved and broke it off.

She slept with a travelling MJ lookalike 2 days after I split with her.

Since then she’s had 2 children and both have been taken away by social services and rehomed, and now she calls herself a “crack-whore” and spends her days in a drug den with her criminal boyfriend.

8. She faked seizures for attention.

Faked seizures for attention.

Drove herself into stress seizures when the male in her “triad” tried to pay attention to their partner.

Used her child as leverage to keep me from breaking up with her. Twice…didn’t work the second time.

Acted incredibly shitty to former partners and attempted to screw up their current relationships, and when called out on it, deleted a month’s worth of email evidence and then claimed a medical and chemical “blackout” to absolve herself of responsibility.
Source: the former triad partner, several past partners, and various doctors, medical professionals and mental health counselors I requested clarification from. I am pretty sure she faked the seizures because every single doctor and medic I asked about it said the same thing, “NO one is conscious and lucid during a seizure. If she was talking to you, having a conversation with you, she was faking the seizure.”