8 Ways Babies Are Like Bad Boyfriends


Note: None of this is exclusive to boys. I had boyfriends and have a son, so this is how it worked out for me. Feel free to exchange the pronouns to fit your personal experience and I assure you, it will all still apply.

The Binge Drinker

What is so goddamn difficult about knowing when you’ve had enough to drink and just stopping? Why do you need to keep going until you puke everywhere? You’re embarrassing yourself, babe. And frankly, you’re embarrassing the rest of us for even associating with you.

The Dirty Boyfriend

Oh, and I guess you want me to clean up your vomit now. Again. I’ll get to that right after I’m done picking up your shit that’s scattered all over my formerly beautiful home. I know that bad boyfriends don’t need you to literally wipe their asses (well, okay, I won’t pretend to know your life. Maybe they do) but considering utterly useless they are about hygiene and cleanliness, it kinda feels that extreme sometimes.

The Broke Boyfriend

This guy is basically a Destiny’s Child song. If you go out, you’re paying. If he needs anything, he’s not even asking you for it – he just assumes you’ll provide it. There’s not even a conversation. It’s just how things are. The dynamic of you paying for absolutely everything was established early in the relationship, and that comfortable asshole shows no signs of changing it up anytime soon. I mean, I’m all for being generous with the people you love, and I’m not one of those annoying people who thinks that every relationship has to be entirely equal at all times. That’s just not realistic. When you love someone, making sure they’re happy and taken care of is part of the deal. But, like, how about some balance? Paying for someone all the time gets old real fast. Get a job already.

The Boob Man

My eyes are up here. Some days, you wonder if he’s in a relationship with you or your tits.

The Bad Communicator

Seriously, it’s like you’re talking to yourself sometimes. You say words and he just stares at you with blank eyes like he doesn’t have a fucking clue what you’re saying. And forget about saying anything back. Conversations do not exist. Issues go unresolved. You are required to tend to your own feelings, solve your own problems, and forgive all offenses without any little burp of an apology. It’s feels like he literally doesn’t even know words.

The Selfish Boyfriend

It’s all about him. At all times. Your needs don’t exist to him, and really, they don’t exist to you either because you’re so busy being a slave to his ceaseless neediness.

The Boring Boyfriend

So, not to be a bother, but could you say even one interesting thing ever? Please? Just once? No? Oh hey, did you happen to read that article I emai…no? No. Of course not. You’re pretty much just going to sit there and eat and poop and burp and ask me to pull my boobs out from time to time? Yup. That’s what I thought. I don’t know why I even get my hopes up that we might actually have anything resembling a stimulating conversation.

The Fixer Upper

This guy is always the real heartbreaker. When he comes into your life, he barely qualifies as a human. He has no idea how to be a functional member of society – zero social skills, can’t cook for himself, or bathe himself; can’t even pick out an outfit. He has no job. No friends. No goals. No sense of security or confidence. You suspect his skull bones are a little loose. He is, in short, a fucking mess. And then he meets you.

You love him, take care of him, make him see all the potential that lives within him. You give him an unshakeable platform of emotional support from which to realize that potential. You teach him the skills he needs to live. You show him what real love is, and the subsequent change in him shows you both what love is able to do for a person. And just when you’ve put everything into that relationship, when you have given every ounce of your energy to him, out of love, for the benefit of his growth and development…he leaves. He is a stronger, smarter, more confident, happier person for having known you, and he’ll carry the effects of your generous love with him forever.

But still, it’s bittersweet. It feels unfair because you had everything to do with the amazing person he is now, but because you love him, you want him to go off and live a big, wonderful life, even if that means he has to move away from you to do so. Upside: He’ll always come back. Even the most well-fixed up people need loving touch-ups every now and then. And when he does, he’s far more likely to be sober, bathed, and might even pick up the check at dinner.