86 Things I Learned In College


1. How to play flipcup

2. How to break into an abandoned building

3. How to get down from a four-story building without a fire escape

4. How to bluff my way into bars without an ID

5. How to get the bartender to totally forget I have a cash tab

6. How to get other patrons to pick up my tab without at all infringing upon my own sexual integrity

7. That just because someone is way out of your league and — logically speaking — should never find you attractive, doesn’t mean they aren’t fair game. Everyone is fair game, if you know what you’re doing

8. Being yourself as hard as you can is the easiest way to make most people like you

9. Knowing your limits is not being a pussy

10. Obeying your limits does not necessarily make you smart

11. Just because you’re in the company of people you know you can trust does not mean that going shot-for-shot on tequila with four frat boys is a good idea

12. Everybody pukes once in a while

13. Cleaning up after yourself excuses nothing but does make forgiveness more likely

14. When you don’t know where your pants are, it is best to let them go. Now is a good time to learn about loss

15. The less you want to ask questions, the more important those questions are

16. If someone ever asks your permission to sleep with the man that you love, tell them no

17. They’re going to do it anyway

18. They probably have already

19. Loyalty is important

20. When you get down to it though, very few people are loyal

21. This does not negate the truth of #19

22. But not everyone deserves yours

23. Keep an eye out at all times

24. Not everyone you meet at a party is going to be your best friend

25. People like to say nice things

26. Don’t throw anyone out of a window just because they deserve it

27. There are very few good reasons to ever really hurt someone, and weirdly enough, those are the times you are probably going to want to the least

28. After you’ve punched or been punched by someone in the face, it is best to let bygones be bygones

29. Hitting someone with a beer bottle does not solve every problem

30. Being able to end a friendship so utterly and completely that you’ll never be able to get it back even after the dispute is resolved is a skill very few people have and one no one should ever hope to acquire

31. Hanging on to a friendship is not always the best idea either

32. People grow apart

33. People leave

34. It is okay for you to leave too, sometimes

35. It is okay to miss someone

36. It is okay for you to tell them that, sometimes

37. They are not obligated to care

38. Being sorry usually means more to you than the other person

39. Be honest

40. Life goes on

41. Sometimes it is best to keep your mouth shut

42. Staying with someone you do not want to be with is insanely unfair to everyone involved

43. We all make fucking mistakes

44. Nostalgia is only good in small doses

45. When you know you shouldn’t fall in love with someone, you’re almost certainly going to

46. If you know it’s going to end badly, it usually is

47. The most amazing person you’ve ever met is not as amazing as you think they are

48. Guarding your heart is okay sometimes

49. If it’s worth it, if you have more to gain than to lose, it makes no sense not to go for it

50. Not everything works out just because you want it to

51. By definition, every relationship fails except for the one that works out

52. Sometimes people you really love end up hating you

53. There will be others

54. Sometimes after a crisis, you will find that a huge part of your soul has gone missing. Don’t worry about it too much. You’ll get it back

55. Gravitation is responsible for lots of crazy shit

56. Sleep isn’t as important as people say it is as long as you’re doing something good

57. When you get alcohol poisoning so bad you can’t lie on your back or on your left side without excruciating pain and nausea, it is time to reconsider your life

58. Being able to list the times you’ve gotten alcohol poisoning is another sign you should give it all a bit of thought. List making could help

59. If you really need it, take the fucking medication

60. Killing yourself, if nothing else, means that you won’t be able to get any writing done

61. Sometimes grief takes a really really long time

62. It is possible to take advantage of your friends’ kindness. While they might be willing to do it forever, remember that it is no one’s responsibility to clean you up. People get tired

63. Relationships begun in a period of mourning can be fun, helpful, tender, beautiful, and very meaningful, as well as short-lived and totally illogical

64. This doesn’t mean they weren’t real

65. It is important to forgive the people who have hurt you

66. It is important to move on

67. Spite doesn’t make you feel any better, and most of the time it doesn’t even hurt the person you want it to

68. Grief drinking doesn’t work

69. Drinking, in general, doesn’t make anything fun that would otherwise be boring and stupid

70. When you finally decide to tell him how you feel in the form of a poem or a story that you will perform at a reading series he frequents and then he doesn’t show up, don’t call your audience “a bag of fuckheads” because you’re hurt and angry. They are not there, being people who aren’t him, just to spite you, no matter how much it might seem that way

71. Don’t let anyone take a picture of you pretending to blow a marble statue of St. Ignatius

72. Getting jaded is a part of growing up that people have been writing about for centuries. Sometimes you are going to like things that aren’t good, love people who don’t deserve it and squander it, but rather than burying it, rather than saying that it was stupid, you should want everything to meet that level of passion. You should want to make happy the person that you were before everything got gnarled up inside. There’s still magic, and you deserve to have it

73. You can outgrow anything

74. Youth fades. Don’t waste it on stupid shit

75. Flipcup is fucking stupid

76. With enough time and experience, you will fall out of love with almost everyone you loved before

77. Almost

78. So far

79. The city is beautiful at night

80. The city is beautiful in the morning

81. The lake, at night, is gorgeous

82. You will continue to make mistakes for the rest of your life

83. If you can keep up with yourself, they won’t be the same ones

84. Now breathe

85. It is okay

86. Everything is fucking okay 

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