9 Beauty Routines You Should Never, Ever Do While Drunk


1. Cutting your cuticles

Cutting my cuticles gives me a very visceral rush of endorphins. I’m not sure what it is. I just imagine what it would be like if I could cleanly slice all my problems away in this manner.

Anyways, do NOT cut your cuticles while you are drunk, even if you imagine that doing so will help you regain the sense of control in life that you lost along with your sobriety. You will not apply the right amount of pressure and your fingers will be bloody and people will think you are disgusting for the next few days until they heal. The same goes for pumicing.

2. Bikini wax

I’m not sure how obvious this seems but do NOT get drunk and then attempt to give yourself an at-home bikini wax. My thought process was something along the lines of “I’m going to have a few glasses of wine and then I will be very calm and it won’t even be painful or scary.” That seems reasonable, except my interest in following instructions was deteriorated by then into complete non-existence and I spent the rest of the night picking bits of wax out of my lady areas before I gave up and used a razor.

3. Heating up eyeliner

A beauty trick lots of women use is to take a lighter to your eyeliner pencil before applying it so that its easier to smudge and gives you a Brigitte Bardot sex goddess emerging from the bedroom look. Do this BEFORE you start pregamming or you will overheat your pencil and either melt it completely or apply boiling black liquid to your eye area.

4. Exfoliating

When sober, your normal pain threshold/sense of decency will stop you from sanding down your face until its completely raw. After a few drinks it seems like a perfectly good idea to scrub your face as if it’s North America and you are trying to exfoliate your way to China.

5. Extracting blackheads

Oh man is this a pleasing activity to do, sit in front of one of those mirrors that allows you to see inside each and every pore on your face and use an extracting wand to clean them all out. But, it’s bad for you. We know this. You will wake up with a bunch of zits from carelessly rubbing bacteria all over your face.

6. Plucking your eyebrows

Like exfoliating, the problem with plucking your eyebrows while drunk is that you don’t know where to stop. I guarantee you that if you do this while you are drunk you will over-pluck.

7. Dyeing your hair

Are you serious? No. Never do this while drinking. Not only will it look awful and nothing like the lady on the box, but you will have to pay additional money to buy more dye or go somewhere and get it fixed.

8. Trimming your bangs

That shit is hard enough to get right when you’re sober.

9. Tanning

It’s really easy to get carried away on a day at the beach because the sun makes those few beers go a lot farther in terms of how drunk you get. Soon you’re like “nah, I don’t need to put sunscreen on I’m gonna get tan as fuck!” And then you pass out in a pile of beach towels and wake up with one half of your body red and one half white. For the next week and a half sitting, moving, and wearing clothes will be painful. That is not chic.