9 Musical Acts Whose Male Fans You Should Never Date

 

Dave Matthews Band

I’ve been out of high school for nearly a decade now, so I’m unsure if there actually are any DMB fans still out there. But I assume that there are, and that they’re still the worst. DMB bros are the lacrosse-playing jocks who want to smoke weed and see the Marlboro Light 100 version of a jam band, but don’t want to deal with any of the repercussions. They’re not going to be the aging hippies at All Good Festival letting their naked, dirty toddler run around while they pass a plastic bong. They’re going to just get drunk on PBR and get pulled over by a cop on the way home from the DMB show, where they’re going to make a comment about how their dad’s a lawyer, and they can’t lose their spot at Vanderbilt this fall.

CHILDISH GAMBINO

There is something about Gambino’s music that has a vague overtone of Emotionally Manipulative Sad Boy. He’s the kind of guy who would be a total asshole and then cry when you got mad at him so you ended up apologizing, and that makes me suspicious of his male fans. Also, for all the social awareness he espouses, it certainly doesn’t stop him from writing some of the most comically misogynist lyrics in the game, but while doing it under a sneaky banner of consciousness. This makes his fanboys more dangerously advanced.

Weezer

Weezer’s fanboys tend to be the worst possible genre of nerd, the tortured emo geek who has all the victim complex and none of the math skills. They also love the ~*fAnBoY uNiFoRm*~ of graphic tee shirt and plastic-framed glasses, which essentially makes them Fall Out Boy fans with less of a sense of humor about themselves.

Insane Clown Posse

Do I really need to elaborate on this one?

Eminem

Eminem fans tend to be really voracious about defending Eminem’s credentials as a rapper, and are incapable of understanding that, for many people, that’s not the point. Yes, okay, his words rhyme really nicely and a lot of his cadence and word-play (at least up til 2004) were engaging. But his specialty is literally Domestic Abuse Radio Jams, and there are many, equally-good rappers who never found it within themselves to write a song literally holding a mock murder of their estranged wife and mother of their daughter. And even if you were going to blame his seething misogyny on youth – the jaunty domestic homocide tunes of a young man, if you will — he’s in his 40s now, and his bread and butter is still abuse duets with Rihanna. Enough. Eminem fans are not to be trusted.

John Mayer

John Mayer, AKA Hot Dave Matthews, has a male fanbase that is not to be trusted. Aside from his own tendency to be a chauvinist, creepy asshole IRL (remember that time he told Playboy that his penis was a “white supremacist”?), his music seems almost malevolently crafted to pick up 19-year-old girls named Paige. Aside from the occasional fan who gets really defensive about Mayer’s skills as a guitarist, they’re probably interested in him specifically to hook up with the rum-drinking gals that populate his concerts.

Obscure EDM Artists

Hell is a Facebook page for a local EDM artist that is full of sexist memes, promotions for their latest show, and the world’s most ignorant commenters. The bro who is just casually into EDM is bad, yes, but at least he’s just a garden-variety frat guy who is looking to take some molly and wear a cutoff tank top. The guy who remains REALLY into the EDM scene well into his 20s and 30s, and who goes to every show religiously enough to be part of the “scene,” has evolved into being the guy who deals the molly, in-between laughing at sexist memes on Facebook and modifying his car.

Obscure Jam Bands

The distant cousin of the obscure EDM fanboy, these are the equally-burned-out attendees of music festivals populated by irresponsible vegans and their body hair. They very well might have a kid they neglect, and even if they pretend to be more enlightened and socially conscious than EDM guy, they’re just there to get laid and be the alpha dog in the “scene.” Also, his van is always smelly and he will be super aggressive if you even mildly enjoy pop music.

Radiohead

No fanboys have less of a sense of humor about music, themselves, and life in general than a Radiohead fanboy. Led by King Buzzkill, Thom Yorke himself, they will spend an entire relationship pouting and judging you, bookended by monologues about Kid A. Stay far away.