9 Outrageous Upcoming Nicolas Cage Films
By Ted Pillow
1. Dick/Off
Nicolas Cage and John Travolta reprise their roles in this reboot of the seminal 90s action movie Face/Off. Whereas the original had the eccentric star duo swapping faces due to plot logistics so convoluted that explaining them here would require a spoiler alert even for those who have seen it, this update features Cage and Travolta dealing dongs. Somehow this results in another speedboat chase and half of Los Angeles getting sexually harassed. Based on script notes scrawled on a wet cocktail napkin by Michael Bay and Kid Rock.
2. Oregon Trail
A long-awaited film based on the CD-ROM classic about pioneer life, covered wagons, and lots and lots of dysentery. Cage stars as a grizzled settler charged with navigating his stupid, worthless family to Oregon amid a myriad of dangers, including starvation, snakebites, shitty oxen, broken legs, and bad Wi-Fi. Presented in special 3D Typhoid-Vision™.
3. A Zoo for Orphans
Originally reported to be a feel-good melodrama about an orphanage that renovates and reopens a run-down zoo, it turns out that this film is actually about a rich, old misanthrope who buys a run-down zoo and fills all of the exhibits with orphans. Cage is set to play an unusually old and unfortunate orphan, with the guy who says, “Look what you did, you little jerk!” in Home Alone in talks for the part of the hateful billionaire. Scheduled for a Christmas Day release.
4. Helen Keller, You Whore!
No details available at this time.
5. Don’t Wake Daddy: The Movie
In this action-packed thriller based on the just-barely-popular-enough-to-make-you-nostalgic board game, Cage stars as the titular “Daddy.” Just like the 90s game, a lovable gang of spunky siblings attempt to get by their sleeping father to the refrigerator for a late-night snack. Unlike the 90s game, Cage’s Daddy is an unstable alcoholic, prone to fits of uncontrollable rage. This promising blockbuster has been described as Spy Kids meets The Shining, and seemingly misinformed writer/director David Goyer has promised to “capture the original game’s unrelenting darkness.” Rated NC-17 for off-color humor, salty language, pervasive full male nudity, sadomasochism, satanic worship, a homebirth, scenes of stark inhumanity, close-ups of Gregg Popovich’s face, gratuitous racism, a prolonged scene depicting your father dancing to Paul Simon, and amusing hi-jinx.
6. Calvin and Hobbes
An adaptation of Bill Watterson’s beloved comic strip about a mischievous boy and the stuffed tiger that serves as his imaginary friend. In a daring spark of creative inspiration, Calvin and Hobbes stars Peter Dinklage as the rascally Calvin and Cage as Hobbes. Reports indicate that the creative team behind this highly-anticipated production have opted to forego animation or computer-generated effects for Hobbes, instead opting to have Cage wear a tiger suit with face-paint provided by a team of top-notch carnival workers. Also of note, this version of the poignant comic has been reimagined to take place in the future during a post-apocalyptic battle between robotic dinosaurs and heavily armed shark-eagle hybrids.
7. The Social Network 2
Five years after director David Fincher and screenwriter Aaron Sorkin brought us the unexpectedly riveting tale of how Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook, they bring us an even more scintillating story: the origin of Myspace. Cage plays Tom, the baby-faced former hacker behind the internet fad that brought us profile pictures, Top 8s, sexual predators, and Panic! At the Disco. Full of incredible twists-of-fate, power-crazed backstabbing, and dramatic unfriending, and set entirely in front of a whiteboard covered in illegible scribbles.
8. Grandma’s Such a Basic Bitch
No details available at this time.
9. National Treasure 3: The Foreshadowing Foreskin
Cage reprises his role as world-renowned treasure hunter Benjamin Franklin Gates, the RC Cola version of Indiana Jones. Seeking to uncover the truth behind centuries of rumors and legend, Gates unearths George Washington’s body and discovers that a secret map is etched onto the miraculously well-preserved inaugural president’s foreskin. Following the 200-year-old man-map leads Gates on a whirlwind tour of American landmarks, ranging from the Liberty Bell to the Washington Monument to Staten Island. Along the way, he learns that history sure is neat. Featuring dialogue that consists only of grunting to ensure that the film can play internationally without dubbing or subtitles, this promises to be 2015’s “Movie That Your Uncle Keeps Trying to Tell You about at Thanksgiving But Can’t Quite Remember the Name Of But You Know It Has That Guy From That Thing.”