9 Reasons Everyone Is Reading This Book And You Should Too
1. Superpowers / increased sex appeal.
A young Brooklyn man recently went to bed with a fever after having finished reading Citizen Sim. After a night of wild, psychotic dreaming, he woke up super strong, super fast, and super sexy (i.e. he had pecs where he previously did not have pecs, he had abs where he previously did not have abs, and he was able and willing to talk to girls where he was previously not able or willing to talk to girls). He also found that he could blow spider webs out of little holes in his wrists, and stick to walls.
This could be you.
2. Magic school.
Related, in that this book could immediately change your life for the dramatically better. I just read in the New York Times about a boy who was visited by an owl with a letter that invited him to attend a school for wizards and witches the moment he finished reading Citizen Sim. A fat giant with a magical umbrella shortly thereafter brought him cake, brutalized his evil step family, and introduced him to a new, better world where he was rich and famous and cursed by an evil Nazi wizard.
This could be you.
3. Hot bros (want you, fight for you).
Also related, in that this book could immediately change your life for the dramatically better: a young woman in the park just told me that she was selected in a dark lottery the other day, forcing her to compete in a gladiator-like battle to the death with other young people — some of them very young — in a dystopian future world with no obvious meaning or purpose shortly after finishing Citizen Sim. While this may not sound exciting straightaway, consider this: she immediately found herself the teen obsession of exactly TWO smoking hot bros, one of them a baker (so you know there was cake). She also got to use a bow and arrow.
This could be you.
4. Cultural relevance.
The author of Citizen Sim once saved a school bus full of children from veering off a cliff at the top of an enchanted mountain while battling a giant robot reprogrammed by an evil witch queen. This says less about the book he wrote than the incredible life he lives, sure, but consider just how many people are talking about this guy. Thousands. Hundreds of thousands. If you want to be ‘a part of the conversation,’ you’re gonna have to brush up on the talking points. Citizen Sim is talking point number one, and the people who read it are right now controlling our entire cultural narrative. In a way, they are the dragons at history’s gate. There’s room for another.
This could be you.
5. It has been prophesized.
In the 16th Century, Nostradamus famously predicted a work of literature would arrive that would radically transform the global consciousness, that it would be written by a young man who once saved a school bus full of children from veering off a cliff at the top of an enchanted mountain while battling a giant robot reprogrammed by an evil witch queen, and that it would only cost $5.99. In this way, starting Citizen Sim right now will not simply be a kind of fun way to spend your weekend, it will help you participate in world history. Do you remember when John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence, and how amazing it was to feel a part of something so special? No, of course you don’t, because your bitch ass didn’t wake up on time. But there are people right now reading Citizen Sim and participating in The Next Chapter of Humanity.
This could be you.
6. Space travel.
Quantum physicists are freaking out this morning, and I know what you’re thinking: like, ‘come on, Solana, when are they not freaking out?’ But this is different. Just as Einstein theorized, if read incredibly fast, Citizen Sim is very probably able to vibrate at a frequency capable of tearing a hole in the fabric of space time. In other words, IT COULD OPEN UP A WORMHOLE THAT WILL TAKE YOU TO ANOTHER GALAXY. You’ll probably only be able to take the trip in one direction, but what a rush. A handful of rugged, wild adventurers with winning smiles and cowboy charisma have already donned their spacesuits and begun the process of intergalactic space travel via ‘reading a novel pretty fast.’
This could be you.
7. Pope likes it.
In a recent interview with the BBC, His Holiness Pope Francis (AKA ‘Cool Pope’) said Citizen Sim was maybe the most important book written since the Bible, in his opinion, and also “a pretty fun read, just in time for summer.” Incidentally, Kim Kardashian agreed (at her wedding (in her vows to Kanye)). Rihanna thought it was just okay, but according to Prince William he and Kate are, and I quote, “obsessed.” They’re only inviting people familiar with the book to dinner, they said, until they can stop talking about it (currently inconceivable). They’re looking for new dinner guests right now.
This could be you.
8. Russia fears it.
In a recent sit down with Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin demanded Citizen Sim be destroyed under threat of his own escalation, and Russia’s development of a comparable work of extraordinary fiction. Another Cold War! Obama LOL’d in his face, of course (science has recently proven that a comparable work of extraordinary fiction can’t actually be written) and encouraged men and women across the world to read Citizen Sim. “It’s, like, not about America anymore,” he was reported to have said, “it’s about the future of people. You know? We’re all a part of that.” After a long, thoughtful pause, he added, “I’d like to invite everyone who’s read this book to the White House, in fact. I’ll name 100 of you ambassadors to the future. Pay is shit, but we’ll have fun.”
This could be you.
9. You already read it.
The kind of pretty weird thing here, is, I’m from the future. This world? Your life? The lives of the people around you? It’s all just a computer simulation of the past. Imagine a history book that you live. That’s all this is. So trust me, I’ve studied up and know what happens next. Right after you finish this piece, you check out Citizen Sim.
You love it, for what it’s worth, but don’t let that stop you.