9 Things I Own To Make Myself Seem At Least 33% Cooler Than I Actually Am


1. Vans Old Skool Sneakers

It’s become very clear in the last year that I am incredibly envious of trendy teens. But I am the furthest thing from a teen. I’m a person on the downward side of her twenties. I have a 401k. I’m drinking tea right now. If I don’t stretch most days I get stiff and sore and complain about my BACK HURTING. Get the picture? Not young, not a teen, and for the most part, definitely not trendy. But did that stop me from waltzing into Nordstrom on Black Friday and pick up some Vans that are probably meant for skateboarding (do teens still skateboard? is that still a thing??) 17-Year-Olds? No, no it did not. And every time I see an ~*iNfLuEnCeR*~ wearing them, I feel a little bit cooler knowing that I have the same shoes.

2. Several ‘Cold Shoulder’ Tops

A lot of people have very strong opinions about the cold shoulder top. People think it’s pointless, or it looks stupid, or that it really has no practicality whatsoever. But to me, it’s a badass, kind of cool kid look. No, I don’t care that it’s 30 degrees out right now, I’m going to wear a sweatshirt with no damn shoulders! I actually bought the same cold shoulder, distressed sweatshirt in 3 different colors a few months ago. The cold shoulder trend might never make sense, but I guess I’ve never really made sense either.

3. Pink Hair

One of the most expensive and exciting investments I’ve made in the last year is painting my hair with all the colors of the wind. I’m complimented more on my hair than anything else and because I’m desperate for attention, that’s all I need to want to keep it up.

4. A Bar Stocked With Whiskey

Other than Canadian whiskey and seltzer (a surprisingly delicious combo, hat tip to Chrissy Stockton for the recommendation) I never drink whiskey. Maybe my palate is too unrefined from my love of Taco Bell and cheap beer but I’ve never been able to get on the whiskey train. Yet there’s bourbon and Tennessee whiskey on my bar cart. Even though I’ll never reach for them, I love giving off the impression that I’m someone who can whip you up a cocktail if you come over. I’m all about impressions, evidently.

5. An iPhone X

I miraculously haven’t broken it yet. I also never use portrait mode or know why the X is better than the other ones. I just have it and a Popsocket attached to the back to make myself seem way cooler than I actually am.

6. A Vinyl Collection

Probably one of the most obnoxious things about me was when I decided having records in my apartment would make me seem more effortlessly cool than I actually am. Actually, the most obnoxious thing about me is that most of the time I just use my Alexa for music…so the record player and the records really ARE just for looks and I’m 100% THAT person. ~At least I know who I am.~

7. Chokers

And when paired with my Vans and my cold shoulder tops, I am one untouchable bitch.

8. A Subscription To Vogue 

I don’t really know what was going through my head when I got a subscription to Vogue, but something about having a magazine subscription felt so very chic and adult to me. But I’m not a particularly chic person. I like eating leftovers out of their containers instead of putting them on a plate. I regularly wear the same leggings for days in a row. My current “aesthetic” is crewneck sweatshirts. I am not fashion! I am not chic! I am not a Vogue kind of girl! But with my Vogues lining my dresser, you would never know!!

9. More Than One Baseball Hat With An Embroidered Embellishment.

In fact, I have three. One has an avocado, one has “Sunday Scaries” on it, and one say “My Hangover Hat.” I LOVE TRENDS.

10. HBO.

The only thing I watch on HBO is Westworld. The rest of the time I just scroll through feeling too intimidated to start Game of Thrones. But in the words of Jessica Andrews from her 2001 smash hit song, that’s who I am.