9 Things You Learn When Your Best Friend Is Choking

1. You really should have paid attention in your freshman health class because the Heimlich is as real as Dolly Parton’s boobs.

2. Pulled pork is a completely fair option when considering the items that one may choke on.

3. Gargling doesn’t require mouthwash. Turns out you can gargle your body’s panic response saliva excretions, too.

4. The natural color of someone’s face is much better at making first impressions than the things that that person says or does to you.

5. The Myers-Briggs personality test accurately pinpoints the way that people respond in emergency situations.

6. Vomiting in public and living will always triumph over not vomiting and dying. Always.

7. Call your parents after you choke. It’s kind of their right to know whether their child just survived a near-death experience in the middle of their lunch.

8. School is no longer an obligation. No, correction, functioning on any normal social level is no longer an obligation.

9. You should probably appreciate the day-to-day interactions that I get to have with your best friends. And I cannot stress enough, learn the damn Heimlich Maneuver.