9 Things Every Man Must Do To Create The Perfect Online Dating Profile

1. Can you handle it?

Ah, the handle. The first impression rose of online dating. Make sure to use words that conjure up powerful images like “fun” and “guy.” Then for a little color add your city or borough, and don’t forget to include the year you were born just in case the girl isn’t much of a math whiz. Please tell me what name could be more intriguing than NYCFunGuy1980?!

2. Be the toast of the town.

If you’re fortunate enough to possess a pic of yourself giving a Best Man wedding toast (especially if you happen to be killing it) USE THIS PICTURE!! These are GOLD! Not only does it prove that you’ve been entrusted with a major responsibility, but it will also conjure up images of nuptial bliss in the woman’s mind. Plus you look super hot in that tux.

3. Picture this: You, me, and this baby that’s not actually ours (but could be).

It’s absolutely imperative that in at least one of your pics you’re holding a baby (that preferably is not yours.) Whether it’s your playful or tender side on display, just make sure you look as if you’re having the time of your life with the thing; like you were BORN for late night feedings and poopy diapers. Everyone knows the easiest way to a woman’s heart is through her ovaries.

4. You’re an animal.

If there’s one thing us ladies love even more than weddings, babies, or shiny objects–it’s PUPPIES!!!! So if you really want to make her melt, make sure your pics are chock full of them. Dogs (preferably that are actually yours) are proven to be the most effective, but an occasional spider monkey or panda can also show your playful or sensitive side. Please note that the use of cats or snakes of any kind is STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. And I won’t even bring up the tigers.

5. He sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina.

Nowadays it isn’t so much the rocks that you got –but rather the stamps on your passport! Sure, in the real world we may have adult responsibilities, like earning master’s degrees, advancing our careers, or (gasp!) trying to actually save money. But when you’re online it’s all about where you’ve been. So go ahead and just list every exotic location you can think of, pretending you’ve somehow had the time and money to visit all of them. Don’t worry if you technically haven’t been to Argentina, Ethiopia, or Israel (that’s what Photoshop and Pier 1 are for.) The most vital component of this whole charade is to make it quite clear that you’d love whomever is reading to join you on your next adventure. Better be saving up those AMEX points!

6. Where the wild things at?

Speaking of adventure, not every guy wants a buttoned-up “vanilla” girl. But there are subtle, more appropriate ways of communicating this. If you’re in the market for a wild gal who sways to the kinky side, say you’re looking for someone “adventurous.” If you’re interested in something on the spectrum of an open relationship, (whether it’s casual swinging or polyamory) state that you’re looking for someone “open-minded.” Whatever you may be into, just use the correct codes and keep it kosher.

7. They tried to make you go to rehab, and hopefully you said okay.

Pasts. We’ve all got ‘em, some are just a bit more spotty than others. While it’s not a crime to have some extra baggage, prematurely letting all your skeletons out of the closet may prevent you from ever getting your foot in her door. Again, when concocting the perfect profile, it’s all about the wording. You might say your life up until this point has been a “journey” with “various ups and downs” along with many “learning experiences.” Don’t think of it as lying— just massaging the truth.

8. Its all about the Benjamins.

Whether you work on Wall Street or at Red Lobster, always remember to list your income as More than $1M. When she brings it up (and she will) simply claim that you thought it had said Under $100K. Whoops — Easy mistake! Now she’s trapped because if she gets upset she’ll just look like a gold digger. Flawless plan.

9. Do you.

Above all, just remember to always be yourself!

Unless of course the real you is weak, short, desperate, unattractive, poor, unavailable, too available, or a convicted felon. Then by all means be someone totally different.

Happy Lying–I mean HUNTING!