Official Hate Letter To All Ridiculously Good-Looking People

I know nobody else is going to say it. You’re all too afraid. Cowards! All of you. Not me though. Oh no, I’m willing to put my nonexistent reputation on the line to finally stand up to these people. These sickening, retched, excuses for human beings…these…gorgeous people. Now that I am done sacrificing children and eating kittens I can sit down and write this letter. Come, come. Let the hate, begin! Mwahahahaha! Mwahaha! Mwahaahahahaha!

Dear gorgeous people,

Go fuck yourselves. That’s right. I said it and I’ll say it again: Go. Fuck. Yourselves. Actually don’t, because we all know that would be a magical and somehow uplifting experience for you. So no! Go fuck…uh, a shard of glass. Yes, a shard of glass long and hard until your genatilia is no longer useable. We don’t need more of your kind on this already cruel, cruel earth. We don’t need your beautiful and weirdly-talented-in-something-random children mucking it up for the rest of us. And don’t try to gain us non-symmetricals sympathy. We know you only cry alone in your room every night so that you can look in the mirror and see how adorable you look snot-faced and red-nosed. Oh? Your life is so hard huh? Go tell it to the thirty people in line hoping to have sex with you but also get to know you. Oh, you look good with no makeup? Good for fucking you. You know what I look like with no makeup? Shmeagal on crack. That’s right. Shmeagal on crack, on a GOOD day. Oh, your hair is just naturally thick and lustrous and healthy? Go to hell! Oh, you look like a fallen angel as you sleep? I look like a corpse. Cause of death: drowning in my own puddle of drool. Oh, you woke up like that? Good for you Beyonce, I woke up today looking like I had seen the ghost of said self fucking Shmeagal on crack, only to find out it was only me with no makeup on, fucking myself. Oh, it must be so hard getting every job you interview for. You don’t have to try on cothes because you know they will fit? In the great words of Louis C.K, suck a bag of dicks. Suck a big bag of dicks with your gorgeous mom and ordinary looking dad that just happened to somehow churn you out. I mean seriously? What’s up with that? How do you win the genetic lottery like that? Did God just decide to spend a little more time-ugh you know what? Whatever! Fuck you Rihanna. Fuck you Channing Tatum. Fuck you Miranda Kerr. Fuck you Megan Fox. Fuck you Zayn Malik. Especially you Zayn Malik…

Especially you.

Go to hell you sick, awful, putrid, God-forsaken…evil….nasty…terrible- *falls on knees sobbing*
Love me! Just love me please you pieces of crap! I need your validation! I’m begging you to love me! Love me! luh-huh-huhve meeeeeeeeeeeeee! I promise I’ll never cheat! I mean just look at me?! Me? Cheat on you? No, never. You can trust me. So just give me a chance. C’mon please! You know you want to you idiot! Do it! We can make ordinary babies together, no big deal? I’ll give you all my loving! I’ll love you long time! We can live in a house on the lake, only stare at each other for eternity, and yeah sure maybe my experience may be better than yours but so what?! We’ll make it work baby! Give me a chance!

*sobs profusely*

Yours truly,
Everyone Not You.