17 Unmistakable Signs You’re Dealing With Residual Catholic Guilt

1. You reflexively cross yourself every time you see road kill.

2. Masturbating still kinda feels like stroking the devil’s paw.

3. Occasionally, you drop a gum wrapper on the street. You take a few apathetic steps forward before quickly backing up to retrieve your litter.

4. You’re still dealing with the envy you felt on Ash Wednesdays when comparing your friend’s crisp, well-executed forehead cross to your sloppy ash-blob.

5. You’re equal parts morally and physically compelled to give all homeless people and street performers money.

6. When you announce that in most (medieval) portraits, Jesus’ abs look like freshly baked challah bread and that he could most definitely get it, you feel a little icky. But just a little.

7. You’re determined to have sex in front of an altar…cuz sacrilege.

8. But you’ve never done it and probably never will…cuz sacrilege.

9. You’re still losing sleep over the algebra test you cheated on 10 years ago.

10. Every once in a while, in the midst of a quarter-life crisis, you contemplate resurrecting your religious zeal. But then you remember how stressful saying grace before meals is, and you reconsider.

11. You’re grossly vindicated when using the Bible (and its hypocrisies) to defend your liberal stances on homosexuality, abortion, and basically all other sex-related “sins.”

12. You feel a strange need to articulate the difference between a practicing Catholic (your parents) and a cultural Catholic (you) to absolute randos.

13. And while you no longer say your Hail Marys before bed, you have an equally ineffable need to defend organized religion to people who’ve never been a part of it.

14. You’re still haunted by that one TAKE 5 bar you stole from the corner store in fifth grade.

15. When you misplace your iPhone, your first instinct is to say a prayer to St. Anthony.

16. You have creepy memories of feeling personally offended when your Protestant friends would sneak communion.

17. And even though you totally lied about it, you felt sinful when getting “drunk” off your first sip of the Blood of Christ.