5 Ways To Escape Terrible Brazilian Waxes

So it’s happened to the best of us. The girl you usually use is out of town, fully booked, or away on vacation . So you Google a back-up location. You get there, take off your pants, and, from the very first dip, spread, rip, you know it’s going to be a disaster.

You lie there panicking. You’re fully awake and you can feel the pain, but you can’t get the words “STOP” to come out of your mouth. (I’ve never woken up during surgery, but I’d imagine it’s a similar feeling)

I’ve developed five ways to escape a situation like this:

1. If you know it’s going to be bad from the first moments (in other words, you’ve picked up on the undeniable fact that she has no idea what the fuck she’s doing, but you’re already spread eagle and the dip stick is in the wax), you ask, “What kinds of wax do you use here?” As soon as she says, “We use blank-blank wax,” put on your acting cap, gasp, look super concerned, and say, “Oh, my! That’s the type I’m highly allergic to.” BOOM! Get the hell out of there.

If she tries to offer back-up options, such as other types of wax, remember you’re allergic to all of those brands, too (and continue getting the hell out there).

2. If you don’t feel like getting too creative, you can’t go wrong with a good old-fashioned “Oh, no! I forgot my wallet and have no money or cards.” This strategy also works well on dates.

Note: They will try and reschedule you. Tell them you’d love to, but, unfortunately, you’re being launched into space tomorrow and won’t be back for three to five years.

3. This tactic needs to be done preemptively. While you’re in the waiting room, before you get called back, set your phone alarm for 8 to 12 minutes from the moment you walked in the door. When the alarm goes off, if things are going south (pun intended), pretend it’s an emergency and you have no choice but to leave immediately. This strategy, like the wallet one, can also be used on dates.

Note: If you’re feeling particularly playful, you can say the phone call was your boss and the production company decided they wanted you to keep the hair for your next shoot.

4. Once you discover this bitch has no idea what she’s doing, ask to use the restroom. When you return, inform her that, unfortunately, you got your period, and you aren’t comfortable continuing.

Note: This tactic allows you to get dressed before breaking the bad news that you’re leaving, thus minimizing the awkward ”watch me put my clothes on, you’re wasting my time, you stupid whore” stare down.

This strategy can also be used on dates (but hopefully not a first date, you slut).

5. During your initial interaction with the esthetician, mention that this is your first time, and you aren’t sure that you’re going to be able handle the pain.

This strategy can also be used to get a guy to sleep with you.