10 Reasons I Could Never Be On The Bachelor

1. Some things I am willing to share, the man I am hooking up with is not one of them. Not only do I know he is hooking up with other girls, I then have a sleepover party with said girls every night. Awkward.

2. I definitely do not own enough ballgowns (although I wish I did).

3. Bitches be crazy, and I would certainly be the first one in a catfight with Tina over stealing my “alone time” with our shared Prince Charming.

4. There is nothing alluring about the idea of a “group date” involving one dude, unless you’re the dude.

5. Chances are I would just end up being the excessively drunk girl who falls in the pool, fully clothed, with the wine bottle in her hand.

6. I would then also be the same girl ugly crying in the confessional mumbling “why doesn’t he love me” using the wrong guy’s name repeatedly and asking why everyone is being so mean.

7. People seem to become so enthralled in the “competition” aspect that they tend to disregard the goofy bastard that ends up being the booby prize at the end of this charade. “So like wanna get married or…what?”

8. I wouldn’t feel all that special dating someone that has to use cheat cards with my face on it to remember my name.

9. I make way too many horrendous subconscious facial expressions that would surely be covering the tabloids or made into really atrocious memes and dispersed across the Twittersphere.

10. For the rest of your existence you are either “that chick that was on the Bachelor” or “that chick that married and divorced the Bachelor” or “that chick that is stuck being married to the Bachelor” – all pretty esteemed titles really.