12 More Things I Learned From Home Alone

Since the last time we discussed what we learned from Home Alone only covered the first act of the movie, I thought it would only be fair to do another installment and work our way through the movie. There are so many lessons to be learned, it’s impossible to contain them in just one list. Plus, can you ever get too much Home Alone?

1. You don’t even want to be on the same flight as this couple, because they’ll fly first class and leave a dozen unattended children back in coach to make your flight a living nightmare.

2. Even if you have a poster of pre-Law & Order: SVU Ice-T on your wall, next to a gun, you still can’t look cool if you have a bed so small that your arms hang off the side.

3. Even if you own a home as big as a museum, you’ll probably drive around in a busted old station wagon and the ugliest Buick Skylark on the market. (I don’t know for sure that it’s a Buick Skylark, but I know for a fact that Peter McCallister can afford a luxury vehicle.)

4. If you’re going to keep a hidden stash of your most valuable and private items, be sure to include a roll of toilet paper, a box of Junior Mints, and what appears to be a digital drawing of Jesse McCartney. Oh god I just realized why there’s toilet paper next to the Playboy. That mental image of Buzz will haunt me for a long time.

5. Given the option to watch whatever he wants, not only will an 8-year old choose an old mobster movie, but he’ll also pop in a Rolling Stones concert and Bruce Springsteen live. What kid doesn’t love Brown Sugar?

6. If you have a reputation of being scary and you walk upon a child standing alone outside, don’t say hello or introduce yourself. Instead, stare at him like some kind of demented ghoul who only communicates through the sound of a shovel scraping on the sidewalk.

7. Don’t waste your time reporting an endangered child to the police during the holidays. They’re way too busy wrapping presents to care about your possibly dead son.

8. If you have a bleeding, disgusting gash on your hand, the best way to treat it is by slamming it down on a glass counter as hard as you possibly can.

9. The next time you’re in a store and you can’t find the potato chips, look in between the sunglasses and the diapers. That’s where they’re usually located.

10. Be extremely careful when ice skating in Chicago because there are full on hockey games going on while dozens of other people are also on the ice. I believe the rule is if you get hit by a puck, your next session is free!

11. When exiting a driveway, be sure to slam on the gas pedal and drive full speed onto the road without looking in either direction for traffic. If someone happens to be walking on the sidewalk and gets run over, it’s definitely their own fault.

12. If a child starts running from you, it’s probably because he has something to hide. It has nothing to do with the fact that there are two grown men in a creepy fan slowly following him down the street.