A 5 Step Guide To Bracing Yourself For Valentine’s Day

It’s getting to be that time of the year again when people in relationships have to pretend to care about it, and single people have to go out of their way to pretend not to care about it.  That’s right; it’s almost Valentine’s Day.  In order to prepare you for the holiday of love, I’ve included a five step guide on what to expect on this holiday for both single people and people in relationships.  Here is your five step guide to prepare you for Valentine’s Day:

1. Waking up

Waking up on Valentine’s Day when you’re in a relationship can go a few different ways. If your boyfriend/girlfriend husband/wife cooks you breakfast and brings it to you in bed, you’ve hit the Valentine’s Day jackpot, because—let’s face it—no one really wants to wake up earlier than they absolutely have to for almost any reason. So if your partner gets enough gumption to cook you a meal before sunrise, show some appreciation.  If you wake up and forgot that it was Valentine’s Day altogether, enjoy being single.  The only way to recover from this catastrophe, and possibly save your relationship/marriage is to try and make extravagant new plans later that night by saying it was a surprise and you were just pulling a goof.  Unfortunately for the morning part of Valentine’s Day, there’s not much of a benefit to being single other than having your entire mattress to yourself.  If you’re single, don’t expect anything but a loud, non-human alarm, a tall glass of water on your nightstand for breakfast, and the realization that you’re alone.

2. Status updates

Get ready for your social media newsfeed to explode with pictures of flowers, candy, and singles announcing how much they “love” being single. Pro tip: If you are single don’t be overly vocal about it on social media platforms on Valentine’s Day.  Don’t post things like “Netflixing Safe Haven tonight alone in my favorite sweatpants! Couldn’t ask for a better Valentine’s Day!  I am independent!” You will probably get some likes from other singles and sympathy likes from your friends who are in relationships, but sympathy likes are actually worse than no likes at all.  It’s kind of like tipping your server with spare change.  Men, if you are in a relationship and haven’t gotten any gifts for your lady, be prepared to feel the heat of passive aggressive conversations involving things like “Oh did you see Jessica got flowers from Matt today at work. Wasn’t that sweet of Matt?”

3. Day at work

Life used to be much simpler when you were in elementary school and all you had to worry about was going with the Power Ranger cards or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cards.  (Obviously you go with the TMNT cards as they were less controversial on whether it was cool to like them or not as a kid.)  Now, as an adult, if you’re in a relationship you’ll have to decide on whether or not to get your partner flowers and if so how many and how much does that cost?   We were made to believe (by Jennifer Lopez) that love don’t cost a thing.  Spoiler alert: It kind of does.  Your day at work, however, will most likely be pretty normal with the exception of various flowers sent to you or your coworkers.  If you’re in a relationship and you receive flowers at work, be careful not to be too braggadocios about it. Remember, anyone around you who does not have flowers on their desk is most likely single or, in a worst case scenario, had flowers sent over from their mom.  To all moms out there: Do not send flowers to your son or daughter at work.  I know you mean well but you are benefiting no one.

4. Evening Plans

If you’re in a relationship, your night after work will include the pressure of having a romantic night out and eating at a fancy restaurant trying to get everything perfect.  This is where it pays to be single, because on this night, whatever you’re doing, you deserve it.  However, ladies that go to the bars on Valentine’s Night be careful and try not to make it too obvious how single you are when “Single Ladies” comes on by Beyonce.  If you’re out alone getting wicked drunk at a bar on Valentine’s Day, we’ll do the single math.  Embrace a lazy night at home relaxing getting your “me” time on.  Have that extra cookie, or that extra scoop of ice cream, or that extra gallon of wine.  Cuddle up and watch a romantic movie where true love prevails.  If you’re watching a romantic movie on TV, be prepared for that constant reminder of love when those online dating commercials air.  Unfortunately the online romance scenario didn’t work out for literally almost every single person on Catfish, but not everyone you talk to doesn’t actually exist.

5. Going to sleep

If you are still with your partner at the end of the night, then pat yourself on the back.  You’ve survived Valentine’s Day, and are hopefully about to partake in the best part of the day.  If you’re single, just remember how stressful this day could have been had you been in a relationship.  Now take an antacid for that stomachache from eating or drinking too much and wash it down with your leftover H2O breakfast still on your night stand.

Whether you’re in a relationship with someone or not, take time on Valentine’s Day to let the people you love know you care about them. Happy Valentine’s Day planning!

P.S. Mom don’t send me flowers.