The 12 Young Professionals You’ll Meet After College
By Lance Pauker
1. Busy Business Barry
If you meet Busy Business Barry for dinner at 8: 30 pm, it’s guaranteed he’ll come meet you in his work clothes. He’s actually been home since 6, but his primary goal at this stage of life is to let everyone else know how much busy business he’s been conducting.
2. The Job-Hopper
Working in some ambiguous field that has something to do with cutting-edge media marketing, the job-hopper is working at a new boutique firm every week. He’s been changing jobs so much, his new job Facebook statuses are barely getting any likes.
3. Work/Life Balance Wilma
Work/life balance Wilma is gainfully employed at something that’s “good for now, but not what she ultimately want to do” Meaning, the professional world is a lot more soul-crushing than she expected, and she’s taken to “having a life.”*
*Lying on the couch, something that she refers to as “meditating.”
4. Guy who relates everything to his waning alcohol tolerance
This specimen is best known for taking conversations about Oscar-winning films and relating them to the fact that he only had 3 beers at happy hours, yet was totally buzzed. Apparently, this never used to happen, and is very depressing.
5. Guy who never did the reading in college, and now is obsessed with telling you how much he reads
I went to a bookstore and bought Anthony Bourdain’s book yesterday. I’m adding it to my queue — I’ve started doing this thing where I’m reading like 4 books at the same time, so that I’m always in the mood to read something. All of this is true.
6. The Social Chair
As the years go by, college friends slowly drift apart — remaining friends, but going their separate ways as dictated by career obligations and interests.
Thankfully, the social chair is there to send emails about brunches that are happening in 3 week’s time. Someone will be dissatisfied (it’ll be too expensive, or in a neighborhood they hate), but it’s all in the interest of weeding everyone out until there’s no one left.
7. Mr. Elusive
He’s that guy that lives with you, but is never there. Did he get fired from his job? Did he sell his fledging almond butter company for millions of dollars? You’ll have to wait 3 weeks to find out.
8. Happy Hour Hannah
She has a solid, well-paying job, but appears to constantly be on the verge of a complete meltdown. Happy hours are really the only thing that are keeping her going.*
*The best version of this species lives in Washington, DC.
9. Life-Marker Mallory
Like the person who “can’t believe it’s March already,” life-marker Mallory can’t believe it’s already been two years that we’ve graduated from school, or four years since we went on spring break and Jess hooked up with that guy who had a guest spot on Gossip Girl.
A lot like a calendar, if calendars shoved themselves in your face while trying to socialize.
10. Co-worker Who You Reveal Too Much Information To
This is the person you vent all your work-related issues on. You know you’ve told them way too much — something that feels a bit scary given that you haven’t really known them for that long. Then again, they’ve unleashed the same things on you, and you’re definitely in this together. Or so you dearly hope.
11. Productivity Pete
A disciple of Malcolm Gladwell, Productivity Pete isn’t so much concerned about what people are doing. Rather, it’s how the work is being done.
Be it strategies to enhance morning routines, websites to increase productivity, or sleep cycles that maximize energy and alertness, Productivity Pete is an endless well of information you’ll never use.
12. The Person Who LinkedIn Keeps Emailing You About
Always great to see a new email in the inbox. Always highly disappointing to see that one.