10 Things You Think You Can Do In College (But You Really, Really Shouldn’t)

1. Wear pajamas to class.

I know you’re tired. I know 8ams are the devil’s handiwork. I know you pulled an all-nighter and can’t muster the strength to put on a real pair of pants. Though these are all valid reasons, please take the pajamas off anyway. Even those stained gray sweatpants are better than the 80s plaid jammie pants you’re sporting. I know, I know… your high school had a dress code and this liberating wardrobe freedom has got you feeling some type of way, I know. But please trust me. The cute blonde in class really wants to talk to you, but the pjs are holding you back.

2. Dress up for class.

To those who do this, I pose one question: How in the world do you apply an entire face of makeup, curl your hair, and — God forbid — wiggle into a pair of skinny jeans all before your morning class? I’m telling you, if you do this, you’ll get looks. And not the good kind. The omg-I-hate-you-how-do-you-look-that-good-this-early-you-perfectly-terrible-put-together-human capital-L Look will come at you from all angles from slovenly girls who just rolled out of bed (me). Not to mention you’re making the rest of us look bad, jerk. Just succumb to the casual wear of those around you please. Yoga pants and tee shirts make the world go ‘round.

2. Slack off freshman year because you’ll have time to “make it up” later on.

“Dude, just skip class, you’re a freshman! You have three more years to make up that quiz.” “Oh, come on, girl, come out with us tonight and study before your test tomorrow! You have the rest of your college career to do well!” You will regret doing this. I promise you. Use all of the motivation and anti-senioritis you have in you while you still have it. I’m telling you, it doesn’t last long. Not to mention, your classes are still relatively basic your first year, so you need to stock up those As and Bs to cushion your GPA before you get into the dark arts of junior and senior level classes and it really starts to plummet.

3. Eat all of the foods.

Consider this your formal warning. Dining hall food is notorious for packing on the pounds and when you don’t have a scheduled meal time anymore like you used to, it’s easy to lose track of just how much you’re eating. There are other, healthier options; all you have to do is explore. Search your campus for more nutritious places or spend a little more time grocery shopping for healthy foods to keep in your mini fridge. Yes, I know your mom won’t know if you eat that 14th cookie, but your pants will. The freshman 15 is alive and well my friends and those 15 pounds are afraid of no one.

4. Drink all of the beer.

You will make bad decisions, you will regret most/all of them, you will gain a lot of weight, and you will end up asleep on a sidewalk.

5. Join every club possible.

You will want to be as involved as possible. Your tour guide even told you, “If you do one thing in your four years here, get involved!” It’s how you meet people, how you make new friends, and how you build valuable experience for your resume. Pick one or two clubs that you’re interested in the most and give your best self to those ones. If you choose too many, you’ll spread yourself too thin and wind up having no time for anything else.

6. Not buy textbooks.

Yes, they’re expensive. Yes, it’s a rip-off. Yes, you may not use them as much as you think you will. But textbooks exist for a reason and it’s not to make you look like the nerd with the heavy backpack (though that comes with the purchase). Trust me, they are necessary if you want to do well.

7. Raise your hand to answer every question.

If the girl in my Econ class is reading this right now, I’m shaking my finger at you. Stop that right now.

8. Skip class… a lot.

I know, no one is making you go to class. I know, it’s awesome that no one would ever find out if you skipped, including and especially your mom. I know. But before you know it, you’ll skip so much that you miss every quiz and every attendance point and you don’t even know what building the class is in anymore so when you go to take the exam you can’t even find the room and you fail the class and end up re-taking it senior year with a bunch of fuzzy freshies and you look like the big idiot senior who couldn’t pass the easiest gen-ed class at the school and everyone laughs at you as they shoot spit balls as your face. Don’t be the kid getting spit balls shot at his face.

9. Never talk to your parents.

It’s cool to finally be on your own for once after 18 long years of living under their watchful eye. That said, it’s hard to have a little human living with you for 18 long years when they suddenly vanish and never talk to you again. I know you don’t want to be the loser sitting in his/her dorm calling your mommy, but your mommy really, really would love to hear from you. Most likely, you owe it to your parents that you’re privileged enough to be furthering your education at all. Pick up the phone once in a while and tell them so.

10. Turn up on a Tuesday.

“I don’t have class until 1pm tomorrow, CLUB GOIN’ UP ON A TUUUUESDAYYY!” you’ll say to yourself as you and your friends cheers your Natty Light cans. Prancing around town until 4am with your new best buds is fun, yes, I know. High School You would be so jealous right now. But, this can only go on for so long before you start to lose. You lose homework points, attendance points, your friends (literally lose them, like last time you saw Rachel she was in the bathroom but now she’s nowhere to be found), your dignity, your self-control, etc. Before you know it your little club is goin’ up every single Tuesday. And Monday. And Wednesday. And Thursday, Friday, Saturday.