The 5 New Disney Princesses We Need
By Thoughtis
1. Princess Business Magnate
This Princess has places to go, things to see, and solid gold ladders of success to climb. She is far too busy achieving all of her dreams of industry and creation to worry about things like boys, or mean gossip, or what some sweaty peasant popping his head out of the provincial village window might be thinking of her. Her professional goals include:
1. Getting enough autonomy in her field to command a good work-life balance
2. Creating space for more Princesses to enter the industry and giving good advice to all of the younger Princesses who are just finding their way
3. Never having to give up anything — from her dreams, to her fish tail, to her beloved Swarovski pumps — for her Prince, because she already has her own castle
2. Princess Fitness
This Princess would be all about nutrition, living a balanced life, and not just magically presenting a razor-thin waistline with no further explanation (as most current Princesses do). She would likely have a more muscular build, and her face wouldn’t be plastered on products which range from Disney Fruit Roll Ups to Disney Lollipops to Disney Buckets Of Rendered Pork Fat. She would be on, I don’t know, bags of kale chips and a good pair of cross-trainers, or something. She would be all about making good choices and living an active lifestyle, and stressing that being thin for thin’s sake is not the body type little girls should be aiming for. She would regularly work out and cook her own meals without being all judgy and weird about it, and would make fruits and vegetables swaggy again.
3. Princess Feminist Homemaker
This Princess might have a whole youth hostel full of forest animals who come by to help her carry out tasks such as ironing, making a hearty medieval stew, and executing four-part harmonies whilst scrubbing the toilet. But that does not mean that she is not deeply respected in her community, well aware of the importance of her role, or doing all of her work for the tenuous approval of a man. She is too busy gleefully watching Nigella Lawson videos and scheming up dining room centerpieces to worry about your gender roles.
4. Princess Post-Breakup
While you may argue that we technically had Megara, whose post-breakup sass colored the majority of Hercules with the wit and withering sarcasm of a bitter OkCupid profile, her story arc led her directly back into the arms of another man for a Happily Ever After. This Princess would be dealing with her loss in other ways, such as taking up yoga, doing charity work, and going on a period of soul-searching travel around the Mediterranean that had all the implied Disney boinking of that one scene in The Lion King where Simba pinned Nala and they proceeded to lion eye-fuck the shit out of each other before abruptly cutting away to a musical number. She would be getting her groove back, one personal pleasure-filled experience after the other. She would be making no promises, because Princess Post-Breakup is just focusing on herself right now.
5. Princess Politician
This Princess would be all about getting shit done in her Kingdom, and not letting anyone tell her that, just because she wears a taffeta evening gown, she can’t be taken seriously. I’m not sure what would happen, exactly, I just know that at a certain point a bunch of talking sea creatures are going to burst into the halls of the Senate of NeverNeverLand or wherever she is and break into this elaborate musical number about supporting reproductive rights. Instant classic.