When I Start Missing You

By

As his fingers lingered around my hip
the warmth faded from behind my smile
I rose above my body and watched as my mood changed
completely
felt myself
grasping desperately
for the ease
the fun
as it quickly slipped between my fingers and out of reach.
As I longed to enjoy where I was
my heart showed me that I could not

when I start missing you
I cannot
cannot think
cannot breathe
cannot stand the sight of someone else.

I wish I could bring you to me
magically
you would be
whispering in my ear
touching the small of my back
securing me with the warmth of your presence.
Then I feel the cold
my vision narrows to a small bright point
my knees buckle
looking for support
my mind races.
I search for a quiet corner
a corner where I can think about you
about us
about all that we never were.
The room around me gets fuzzy
it’s moving at a slower pace
or maybe it’s me
I’ve stopped moving altogether.

When I start missing you
I start making excuses
I start walking away
until I find myself somewhere secluded.
On the floor in the bathroom
escaping the party in the next room.
In my bed
head under the covers
evading a world full of reminders.
In the dark.
Frantically writing words on my phone
words I know I cannot say
and I know you will not read.

When I start missing you
I’m reminded of everything I gave up on
when I gave up on you
when I gave up on my feelings for you
everything that I know
what I use all of my energy trying to obscure.
You had taken ownership over my brain
I am simply living here
in space that belongs to you

you may never know that
I never wanted you to.

It springs up from the depths of my untouched heart
and pierces my soul.
It is an undeniable pain
etched across my face
no one can see.
Missing you doesn’t care
that I had other things to process
other people to meet
moving on to do.

Maybe missing you might not be so bad
if part of missing you wasn’t knowing
I poured myself into you.
Missing you is missing
the occupant within me
the home I made in you
everything I wanted for us
for myself.
Missing the me
I longed for
imagined
when I was with you.