10 Types Of Online Dating Profiles That Make Me Want To Stay Single Forever

This is my Top Ten list of profiles that make me want to stay single (or become a lesbian):

1. The hunter/gatherer.

This guy is rugged and clearly proves that he can provide for his family. How do I know this? From the photos on his profile of the two deer heads lying at his feet and the moose carcass sprawled out on the back of the trailer. Geezus, eeww!!! Really dude, this isn’t Pinterest for Hunters. You hunt. That’s great. You actually shot and killed something. Bravo. Bambi lovers, beware.

2. My kids are my world.

This guy claims to love his kids more than anything in the world and they are the most important thing to him. Really? Why do you feel the need to have to proclaim this? You’re a dad. Great. Are you trying to vie for the Dad of the Year award? You won’t receive it from a bunch of lonely ladies that have been scarred from loser husbands and fathers. Nice try, though.

3. The social drinker.

I love this one especially because I seldom drink and really don’t want someone that has to be drunk every weekend. According to these men they only drink on weekends at get-togethers with friends and family. Every weekend. Every…single…weekend…they drink. You win. That’s social drinking. If you socialize every single weekend. Sure. It also puts you in the alcoholic category. Jus’ sayin’.

4. Mr. No Smiles.

Why is this guy so grumpy? Why won’t he smile? Just once. I had to find out. I met him. We chatted briefly in a parking lot. He’s missing teeth. Gotcha.

5. The dark photos.

Hmm. All his photos are selfies, obviously taken from his webcam, and it appears the room is dimly lit. Why is this? After some investigation, which is me asking a lot of questions, I realize dude lives in his parents’ basement. Yup.

6. Writing blanks.

This guy writes nothing in his profile but *If you wanna no more just aks* (yes, that is how he spells it), so naturally I have to aks. What’s up, dude? (Sometimes I need to just move on.) This is a small glimpse of what I get. “JESUS THE LORD IS YOUR SAVIOUR AND YOU SHOULD PRAY FOR YOUR REDEMPTION AND LIVE BY HIS WORDS AND GOD IS CALLING YOU TO HIS LIGHT RIGHT NOW DON’T SIN ANYMORE………bla bla bla….” Sorry I aksed.

7. Average build.

Um, I’m sorry, what?? Average? You have seen your body naked, right? I mean, you don’t even have to own a scale to see that you are far from average. You are clearly overweight!! Having more than one chin does not make you average. Sorry. Go back and tick off the other box that says “a few extra pounds” and stop living in dreamland.

8. Never married, no kids.

This one totally freaks me out. What’s wrong with you? Makes me suspicious, and I get thinking that maybe his mom just died and now he has no one to cook his meals and do his laundry for him. I dunno about you, dude. I’ll pass.

9. Sharp-dressed man.

Oh, dear. The hockey jersey with the plaid PJ bottoms? OK, not my favorite outfit, though I suppose maybe some women like this, but the socks and sandals?? Stop, you’re hurting my eyes!!! Geesh!

10. Loves sports.

Oh joy, oh bliss. Translate this to mean, “When hockey comes on, don’t bother me…when baseball comes on, don’t bother me…when it’s golf season, don’t bother me…when football/soccer is on, don’t bother me.” He owns more sports equipment than any person should legally own, and the basement where he keeps all this stuff will always smell like ass. Always.