This Is What It’s Really Like To Lose The Love Of Your Life

I can’t believe it’s been two years.

From the moment we were introduced, I strongly believed that you were put on my path for a deep and meaningful reason. It’s difficult to explain, but I was instantly, organically changed by you. Something in our first handshake ignited a ferocious, electrical energy inside of me, and I knew that one day, I would love you. Even more, I knew that one day, you would love me in return.

We awaited patiently for the time to finally make sense, and when it did, our hearts soared into the most beautiful, magical space I could have ever imagined existed. You were the exact person I knew you would be, and my entire purpose became identifiable through loving you.

You offered me a friendship, an unconditional sense of worth, a reborn belief in everything I ever wanted to be. Your faith in who I am gave me a light and a strength I can never repay you for. You were, and still are, the best thing that ever happened to me.

Two years ago, you asked me to leave. Our passion had fallen from empowering to toxic, our senses of self, from clear to unrecognizable in heartache.

You left our city to chase your childhood dreams on the ocean; I left my job, readjusted to single living, and took my first step onto the road of self re-discovery.

The immediate days following our breakup were the absolute longest of my life. Truth be told, many passed without any belief that I was going to make it without you. I prayed deeply, and I prayed fiercely. For the first time in too long a time, I prayed.

Every morning brought with it a different face of pain; each night delivered a unique wave of grief in the realization that you were gone.

I often longed for the moment between physically waking up and mentally coming to, because it was in those moments and those moments alone, my soul seemed to be at peace.

Night after night, I raced home from work just to get back to my solitude. Running away from my corporate-infused days, I quickly and unknowingly built a second life centered solely around the loss of our love and such, around the loss of myself. The four walls of my new apartment purposefully became my most trusted friends and the only ones to ever truly witness my most raw, most authentic, life’s heartbreak.

Regretfully, the exhaustion of our unconquerable battles slowly chipped away at and broke the foundation we were standing on; we collapsed to the depths of disrepair, and what was once my most proud accomplishment rapidly became my most devastating, life-changing failure.

I wish I could say that the sting of our relationship’s defeat has significantly lessened, that on more days than not, I no longer run to its relentless call. Yes, I have surpassed several stages of grief. And yes, I can now shower without dropping to my knees under the weakness of my broken heart. I can eat again. I can even hear the music around me again.

Two years later, though, something remains gone. There’s a gap in my timeline, a hole in my story. There’s an emptiness that visits me like clockwork by night, and I’m petrified of never discovering my way out to filling it.

I do believe that we gave it our all, and that we gave it everything we knew how to give at that time. I believe that the love we shared was genuine, and I believe that you did see your life with me. I’m also confident in the conviction that our paths crossed for a reason beyond our conscious comprehension and that one day, maybe we will finally understand this.

My heart still calls for you in the quiet of the night. I catch myself envisioning you next to me, trying my hardest to hold onto any semblance of proof that it was real.

Sometimes I wonder if I am making a mistake; I wonder if I am supposed to go find you, meet you in the middle of the ocean somewhere, and live with you in the love that only we know we had.

From the moment we shook hands, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that you would play a significant role in my world. I loved you without hesitation then, and please know that I love you without hesitation now. The gifts that you have given me are ones I will never be without, and albeit short-lived, your belief in my soul has changed me for the rest of my life.

Two years ago, you asked me leave, and I promise that one day I will.