14 Signs You May Be Dating A Cactus
By Laura Byko
- You have never had an actual conversation with your boyfriend.
- You’re not even sure where your boyfriend’s mouth is.
- Now that you think about it, there’s not really any part of your boyfriend that looks recognizably human.
- If you squint, you can sort of imagine that your boyfriend has arms, but the illusion doesn’t last because
- Your boyfriend is green.
- Your boyfriend lives in the same kind of pot that usually houses plantlife.
- You have never been physically intimate with your boyfriend because he is covered in needles, not because (as you first suspected) he wanted to take it slow.
- God, you were fantasizing about spending the rest of your life with this cactus.
- You are probably so much more invested in this relationship than your boyfriend is.
- You feel betrayed, even though your boyfriend is a cactus and is physically incapable of betraying anyone.
- The tears start rolling down your face as you explain the situation to your boyfriend. You just can’t be in a relationship with someone who is a cactus and has literally no way of reciprocating any feelings you might have for him.
- Your boyfriend handles the breakup extremely well.
- You see him around sometimes, and you feel the same twinge you always felt when you were near him. But then you remind yourself: That is the needle of a cactus stabbing into my hand, not an emotional connection with a living being.
- It was for the best that you broke up with him, you tell yourself. Maybe if you say it enough you’ll start to believe it. It was for the best.