It’s 2 AM And I Miss You

It’s 2 Am and I’m drunk on my front porch listening to the rain fall and every sad song after sad song that the radio is feeding me. I swallow those songs and I swallow these pills and I swallow this liquor in an attempt to forget you.

But that’s when I miss you most.

And I never mean to miss you, but these are the moments when missing you hits me like a truck. I’ll be enjoying the quiet tranquility of a sleepless night, and all of the sudden the memory of a moment or a feeling or a simple touch will flood over the ever fiber of my being. Every thought, every molecule and atom of my being will ache for you and my soul will cry out through the silence of the night for you.

For your touch.

For your smile.

For your love.

That’s when I know that I still love you. That’s when I know that everything I’ve told everyone about how I am over you is complete bullshit. That’s when I know that no matter who I am with or how many years go by or how happily in love I seem to be, there will always be a part of my soul and my heart that will never belong to anyone else. There will always be a part of my heart and my soul that longs for nothing but you.

I will never find anyone that can speak to my soul the way you did. I remember it all as vividly as I did the moment after it happened: I remember the way you lit up when I told you I loved you for the first time. And the words I said then are as true now, years later, as they were then.

Every road, every mountain, every city is more beautiful in the light that radiates from you.

Your turn the mundane into the extraordinary. You make the impossible seem possible. You make life an adventure worth living instead of a pain worth ending.

Remember the way my hands trembled when I put that necklace around you? Before that moment I never understood why the undeserving guy bought the pretty girl overpriced gemstones wrapped in silver or gold attached to a chain or a ring. But in that moment as I whispered “close your eyes” and, shaking with a surreal adrenaline placed that aquamarine gemstone ladened with silver around your neck, complimenting the blue in your eyes, I knew. I understood.

It wasn’t ever about the price of the metal or the rarity of the stone. It was about finding something tangible that maybe, just maybe, could be a manifestation of the beauty I saw in you. Perhaps, just to some small, imperfect degree, the way you saw the beauty of that necklace was reminiscent of the beauty I saw in you. The beauty I still see in you.

But in reality I know that nothing on this earth: no gemstone, no mountain range, no cataclysmic oceanscape could ever even being to compare to what I saw in your eyes when I gave you that necklace, weak all the way from my head to my toes, tossing about in a sea of emotion, and love, and pure, undefiled romance.

I miss you,

They say the saddest people write the most beautiful things. If that’s true than I should be writing ballads fit for kings, because the sadness you plunged into me when you said goodbye has grown from a wound in my heart, to a mindless pain that fills my whole body on nights like tonight.

I miss you.

And no amount of romantic gestures, apologies, or years gone by will ever be enough for you to let me back into your heart.

I miss you.

Maybe it’s time to move on. But the pain you cause is still more beautiful and more fulfilling than the joy anyone else could bring.

I’d rather be truly in love and miserable, than in any sort of faux-romance or love and pretend to be happy.

I miss you. And I wish you nothing but the best, but I had to say this because I’ve been doing a really good job of not saying it and the hurt bottling up inside of me overflowed through the ink onto this once-blank canvas tonight in a way that I couldn’t have stopped if I had wanted to.

I love you. I pray for you daily, my heart calls for you hourly, and I ache for your love every minute of my life.

Go on with your life. Enjoy it. But know that no matter how many years go by and how many miles are between us, if you call I will be there. I will never stop being there for you. I will never stop wishing my phone would light-up with your still memorized number, and I will never stop being ready to drop everything and serve you in whatever selfless way you need me to.