Almond Butter Tastes Like Sandpaper And 16 Other Truths About Dieting You Should Know
- You will run into someone you know at the gym and they will see you sweat through every inch of your A Day to Remember tank top or cut-out summer camp tee from 2006. Be it an old classmate, a neighbor, a representative to a councilman you work with on the daily. Not even 8 a.m. is safe.
- Actually, 8 a.m. is the worst.
- “How many Weight Watchers points is street meat?” Too many.
- See also: Chinese food, Starbucks and bagels. Sweet, sweet, beautiful bagels.
- Hot yoga is hard. So is sweating in your own eyes.
- Sure, there’s Diet Sprite but there is no Diet Heineken. Dr. Oz may recommend tequila, but the more you play with fire (i.e. pledging monogamy to Cuervo), the greater your chance of A. Death; B. Crying in the corner; C. Kissing a stranger; or D. All of the above.
- Anything over a light jog for anyone over a double D will automatically require a sports bra.
- Anyone over a double D should consider layering at least three sports bras. I’m not kidding.
- Running is the worst. Jogging, too.
- (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again) Pizza tastes ten times better than skinny feels. So does cake and, subsequently, cake-flavored shots.
- Almond butter actually tastes like sandpaper. Extra crunchy Skippy, please.
- People who Crossfit will make it a point to tell you they Crossfit (in person, on Instagram, from the mountain-tops).
- Telling them that you go to the gym above the 99 cent store – or better yet, work out in your living room – will more than likely be met with a blank stare.
- Personal pizzas do not count as a “splurge.” Neither does weeknight binge drinking if you do so weekly.
- Gyms love Top 40 and, if you don’t bring your own Shakira-only playlist (just me?), you will hear Happy at least three times per abdominal workout. (Also, #Selfie is still a thing. You’ve been warned.)
- Yoga pants don’t just look tight. They are tight. Act accordingly.
- Sleeping is not a form of exercise. Neither is tanning; or binge watching; or horizontal running.
But walking up the stairs is; and cleaning your room; and shaking your ass (bonus points for being on the bar).
Cue: Moment of clarity.
Basic exercise paired with a healthy diet will make you feel even better than you’ll look in that cut-out dress you’ve been trying on, taking off and putting away for “maybe another night.” Whip it out and wear it while you’re burning calories on the bar.
Remember, one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup won’t kill you, but five Red Bulls might. Be good to your body and it’ll be good to you.
Namaste, bitches.