Man Dies Of Heart Attack While Masturbating At Sperm Bank
By Jim Goad
This is a tragic saga that only an asshole would find funny, so you are encouraged not to laugh even if you want to.
Zheng Gang was a 23-year-old Chinese medical student and “marathon masturbator” who had enrolled at a sperm bank in Hubei Province. He had made three prior visits to the bank and left “deposits” in a little over a week until that fateful fourth visit in February 2012 when he perished of a heart attack while perusing a “sexy magazine” to arouse himself for the purpose of issuing forth more of his seed for posterity.
After realizing that he’d been in a private booth for two hours—which, quite frankly, should be ample time for anyone to satisfactorily pleasure themselves, especially when looking at sexy magazines—nurses entered his cubicle and discovered he was unconscious. Efforts to resuscitate him proved unsuccessful, and it was later determined that he died of a heart attack, most likely amid the throes of sexual ecstasy.
The story recently came to light when judges ruled against his family’s $650,000 lawsuit against the sperm bank. A lower court had already awarded his family roughly $44,000 in part to cover funeral costs.
Read Jim Goad’s terrifying yet amusing ebook about fending off fans turned stalkers.