Seeking A Responsible Arch-Nemesis Roommate
By Alex J. Mann
I’m looking to fill the vacant room in my small, two-bedroom apartment with a roommate who is respectful and financially sound, and can double as my arch-nemesis.
If you haven’t closed this page yet — which if you did, even though you wouldn’t be reading this, would be very arch-nemesis of you — allow me to elaborate.
My arch-nemesis roommate will provide constant combat in the apartment. After living with far too many passive folk, I can say with certainty that I AM READY for this. I’m not looking for a bad roommate, per se (i.e. someone who doesn’t clean their dishes or someone who sleeps in my bed when I’m gone), but I am looking for a roommate who is willing to regularly kick my ass, or at least attempt to, so we can create an authentic hero (me) vs. arch-nemesis (you) living arrangement.
Here are my arch-nemesis roommate requirements:
You keep our feud inside the apartment. I don’t want to fight you outside of the apartment, even if we leave to get groceries or cleaning supplies. Also, I’m not looking for someone who’s planning some sort of world domination. Let’s keep this between us.
You adhere to a standard of cleanliness. This is a big one for me. “Neat Freak” is NOT my hero name, but I am seriously a neat freak. The only time you can choose to not be neat is if it’s an initiation for battle, like you filling my room with fertilizer, in which case, get dirty. It’ll pay off.
You have a normal work schedule. I don’t want any freelancers or work-from-homers. I’d like you to have a standard nine-to-five. When I’m at work, you’re at work. When I’m home, you’re home. Most importantly, when I’m ready for battle, so are you.
You don’t bring the party home. The only time “bringing the party home” is appropriate is if it’s a party with a staged hostage situation. I will try to free the hostage; you will try to stop me. Alternatively, you could just throw a really good party and not invite me.
You put your arch-nemesis weaponry away when it’s not in use. This is a SMALL apartment with even smaller rooms and even smaller closets. Any weapons, tools, and/or metal suits should be kept to a minimum, and at the very least, should fit comfortably under your bed.
Your powers must match or exceed mine. My “powers” are never forgetting to set my alarm clock, playing a few chords on the guitar, and making a decent omelet. In addition to being able to kick my ass, you should be able to sneak into my room to turn off my alarm clock, play the major and minor guitar chords, and make eggs in variations other than the omelet.
You are truly my arch-nemesis. You HAVE to be my arch-nemesis and not just a “villain.” There’s a big difference. My arch-nemesis is the Darth Vader to my Luke Skywalker, the salt to my slug, the orange juice to my toothpaste. We are the same person, but at the very same time, we’re complete opposites.
You pay rent on time. Speaks for itself!
DISCRIMINATION WARNING: I’m NOT looking for anyone who actually thinks they are superhuman. If you think you can fly, or are just good at climbing buildings, then good for you. If you can’t do these things, you should still feel free to apply. Also, I’m totally okay with a female arch-nemesis. I’m not one of those guys who thinks females weren’t “built” to be arch-nemeses. That’s silly.
If you think you are truly my arch-nemesis and meet the roommate requirements outlined above, drop me a line and I’ll tell you more about the apartment. Or, maybe I won’t and that’s where things will truly begin.