Israel Promises “Full Investigation” Into Whatever Americans Are Mad About Now

Following the burning death of a 16 year old Palestinian boy last week in East Jerusalem, Israel is now facing even more international scrutiny as an American cousin of the deceased boy was detained and beaten by Israeli police.

Responding to requests from the US State Department, Israel has promised a full investigation into both incidents.

“We won’t stop justice is served,” promised a representative from the Justice Ministry. “Either that or we’ll just sort of wait until people move on to something else.”

The representative was quick to put these incidents in context however, reminding press members that the initial burning and subsequent beating were revenge for the murder of three Israeli teens the week before, “Did you put that part in there about the Palestinians doing something bad? Make sure that’s in there. Not that it excuses the murder of a boy and the beating of another, but it sort of does if you think about it.”

His statements drew mixed reactions from the crowd. “Look, all I’m saying is that there’s a lot of things to take into consideration. What’s up with that retrograde thing? Is it Mercury? Is Mercury doing this? Maybe it was Mercury,” he added.

The Justice Ministry has launched an investigation into the burning, and the Israeli Police are conducting their own private inquiry into the beating of the American boy.

“Here in Israel we believe in equal punishment for equal offense,” insisted a representative from Israel’s state police. “When the officers who attacked this boy are identified, they will be punished accordingly. For starters, Arab beating privileges are hereby revoked, and we’re thinking about fining them – the highest penalty under Israeli law.”

With mounting criticism of Israeli policy on social media, the horrific but nearly quotidian incidents have prompted a statement from the prime minister himself.
“Oh sure, we’ll investigate,” said Netanyahu in a meeting with President Obama as he affected his best Chief Wiggum, pecking at the air with his fingers. “Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter, Mr. Jackass.”

Obama sat unamused as Netanyahu wiped a single tear from under his eye and his laughter faded.

“No, really. I’m as upset about the dead boy as you are,” the prime minister assured the president. “I’m real burned up about it.”

Once again, the president did not join the prime minister in laughter, and he was asked to leave for, “harshing the vibe.”

“What a wet blanket,” said Netanyahu to his staff. “Hey, you know who could use a wet blanket? That fucking kid,” said a doubled over prime minister. “Hahaha, Jesus Christ. I’m on fucking fire today!”