5 Things I’m Going To Teach My Dog When He Becomes A Human Boy

My dog and I have been together a long time. When I got him he was more hair than dog; a panting brown mop of joy scampering across my kitchen floor. I was the first person to get him a haircut. I was the one who took him to the vet to get his shots and get him fixed. I taught him how to sit, lie down, and give paw.

When parenthood comes up with my friends who have children, I always chime in with, “I know what you mean! Having a dog is just like having a kid!” but that usually doesn’t go over so well. People give me weird looks when I call him my fur-baby. They think it’s weird when I touch tongues with him while massaging his belly dangerously close to his peener. I guess they don’t know that my dog isn’t like other dogs.

Soon he’ll transform into a human boy.

Lots of things are going to change for him when his furry little paws become hands and feet and he starts walking upright. I’ve never had a child before, so I’m far from an expert on fatherhood, but here’s what I plan to teach him. Hopefully this will make his transformation from dog to boy to man go smoothly.

1. Don’t piss and poop in public.

You probably never realized how shameless all the public pooping and pissing was. Since you’re a human now, you won’t be able to get away with this unless you become a German porn star. And there are better ways to make a living, trust me.

2. Don’t hump people willy-nilly.

There hasn’t been a single day I haven’t looked at the spot where your doggie balls used to hang and thought, “Shit, I probably shouldn’t have hacked those off.” Once your little body starts morphing, there’s a chance you might get your nuts back! But please promise me you’ll use those nuts responsibly.

Unless you’re a famous athlete or pop star, you won’t be able to just hop on and pump away until the female bites you. That’s known as “rape” and if you do it, you’ll have to go into a large kennel for many years as punishment. For your entire time in the kennel, other humans will rape you in the hole where the poop comes from. It’s not worth it.

3. No more eating out of the garbage.

Up until now the garbage has been a source of delicious treats for you, but humans don’t eat out of the garbage unless they’re homeless freegans. Not being able to dig your snout in the trash to pilfer chicken bones and bloody tampons is going to be a huge change. If you want to replicate the experience, go to White Castle, Taco Bell, or Golden Corral. These restaurants are pretty much the same thing as eating cat shit out of the garbage. I hope that helps you adjust.

4. Earn your keep.

Your days of lying around the house all day are over. You’ll need to get a job if you want to make friends or get girls to like you. It’s going to be tough. You’re going to have to spend the majority of your time with obnoxious people you want to bark at just to make money for treats. When you get paid, you’ll find that the government has taken a shocking amount of your treat money without giving you so much as a “good boy” for your trouble. It’s not fair, I know, but such is life amongst the humans.

5. Daddy’s not always going to be around.

Humans have much longer lifespans than dogs do. For most parents of dogs, this means we have to say goodbye after 11 years or so. Since you’re now going to live as long as humans do, that means you’re going to outlive us instead.

It’s going to be sad when we’re gone, and that’s OK. The sadness you feel when we’re apart will be proof of how happy we were when we were together. Just promise me you’ll remember all the long walks we’ve had and all the things we’ve taught you.

Most people think they know what happens to humans and dogs after we pass on, but no one really does. Just know that wherever Daddy is after he goes, he’ll always love you. Be a good boy.