An Application To Be Ronan Farrow’s Girlfriend

Ronan Farrow has made his fair share of rounds in the media lately. There was even an article describing his rapid increase in popularity as a carefully planned PR stunt. As an all-around cynical person and a political science graduate, I like to think I am very good at identifying bullshit and not eating up another silly ploy for media attention. But I can’t tell whether Ronan Farrow is or isn’t a fame-monger and to be honest, I don’t care because there are much, much worse people to have in the public eye.

Now, I don’t know how you go about asking a relatively famous young man with an impressive resume and a legendary mother out on a date. I’ve tried tweeting him a proposal, but no dice. I figured maybe I should write a cover letter of sorts. Surely dating extremely eligible bachelors like Ronan Farrow requires some form of application, right?

And so, Ronan Farrow, you are a very intelligent young man, but I am sure you have heard that a lot. I, too, am intelligent… or I was, once. My secondary school teachers used to tell my parents that I had a lot of “potential” and that I was “exceptional”. I may not be a Rhodes Scholar and my sixth form Biology teacher may or may not have once not-so-subtly told me that I will never be good enough for Oxbridge or med school, but I was a child genius once, too. I knew better than to eat glue! So you see, this could totally work out, me and you.

I’d also make a very good political wife. I don’t have drunk pictures of myself anywhere online and I have a proper degree from a respectable university, which I am happy to flaunt but not use it to overshadow you. And political thrillers are my favorite, both in the movie and TV show form, so I can confidently say Scandal, Ides of March, and House of Cards have sufficiently prepared me to be the graceful and politically-savvy trophy wife that can help you win elections.

But Ronan Farrow, I can also be a good journalist’s/TV personality’s wife should you choose the Anderson Cooper route instead. Whatever being a journalist’s wife means. I guess, I would totally TiVo your interviews every night for you if you need me to. Or however often it airs.

You should date me, Ronan Farrow, because we can geek out together. I’ve read a few “hot, but can’t handle his nerd-talk”-type comments on your videos. You’d never find me saying anything like that. I geek out on politics all the time. I’ve stopped, because people around here don’t find it as interesting as I do, which, by the way, is another super-valid reason you should call me. We could talk politics and human rights all night. You know how the saying goes, “what if the solution to world peace is trapped inside the mind of a certain future wife whose ramblings nobody listens to?” or something like that.

Dear Ronan Farrow, you should call me because you seem like a funny guy. I don’t claim to know you at all, but your Twitter presence is really funny, so are your interviews. I like funny. I try to be funny. Sometimes it works and a strategically worded funny tweet gets up to five favorites (FIVE!). Sometimes it doesn’t and my jokes are followed by awkward silences. Those are the worst. But I can totally shrug off awkward silences like it’s nobody business. I’m cool like that. You should totally call me.

So maybe, Ronan Farrow, this isn’t the most traditional route to true love. But then again, what is these days? I mean, you’re hot, and you totally seem like the kind of guy who wouldn’t dismiss my opinions because of my gender, so you’re basically perfect (yeah, my standards are pretty high like that). And in return, I can promise to love and support you, in only the way that a girlfriend can. I have more than enough time to devote to you — especially, because, you know, I am still unemployed and have enough time to write a whole article about why you should date me.

P.S. I totally promise to never, ever, ever call you Satchel.