7 Reasons Why Online Dating Makes Me Facepalm

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Free, online dating; it’s the clear new fad among the 20-something population. From websites like Plenty of Fish, OKCupid and Zoosk, to apps such as Tinder and Badoo, the young and single use these resources to flirt and mingle. I myself have joined the bandwagon and created my own online profiles on both OKCupid and POF. Initially, I very much looked forward to meeting new guys and getting to know them through strings of emails and texts. However, it wasn’t long before the ding signifying a new message made me cringe. This is my list of seven reasons why online dating makes me face-palm:

1. The Shirtless Mirror Pic

If any of your photos contain the trademark shirtless mirror pic, rest assured; you will be next-ed. Don’t get me wrong, I will imagine myself tracing every line of your six-pack with my tongue. However, that will remind me that the 1.3 billion other female POF users will be doing the exact same thing. I’m all for sharing is caring, except when it comes to my man-candy. 

2. Panty-obsessed

Nothing kills the good vibe of a conversation more than being asked what color panties you’re wearing, what type of underwear you’re wearing, for a picture of said underwear, etc. My usual response is something along the lines of, “Boxers. Briefs constrict my junk, and I like the fellas to have some breathing room.” I can play too, boys. 

3. No Does Not Mean Yes

For some reason guys are really dense when it comes to picking up when a girl is not interested. If you message me three times within a 24 hour period and I don’t respond, you can go ahead and assume that you’re not going to hear back from me. A lot of guys will comment and say, “At least just tell me you’re not interested. Don’t just leave me hanging.” Let me tell you, I’ve tried that approach. Even when you’re responding to say you’re not interested, the guy still believes you’re interested. So again I say, if I don’t respond, move along. 

4. Jail Bait

I will NEVER respond to a message from someone who is 18-20. Get off of your computer, go to the park, and meet a girl on the jungle gym. Call me in 5-6 years when your balls drop and your voice changes. 

5. D.I.W.N.L.T.F.

On the other hand, if you’re old enough to be a friend of my dad’s, I will NEVER respond. I’m really glad everything worked out for your in your divorce and that you have a nice, high-paying job and that you think my eyes are gorgeous – but it ain’t gonna happen. (By the way, D.I.W.N.L.T.F. is an acronym I invented for Dads I Would Not Like To Fuck). 

6. The Obvious Catfish

It always baffles me how someone allows themselves to be catfished. Obviously the default photo of a man in Calvin Klein underwear that looks like it was taken from Cosmo magazine is not really a 25-year old, recent college-grad, living in the city and just getting his start as a male model. Sorry, he wouldn’t be on Tinder if he was actually a model, where he’s surrounded by half-naked, beautiful women all day long.

7. The Novel

This is the 21st century. Everything is quick and easy. That being said, don’t write me a seven-page novel telling me you’re interested in talking to me. Give me the highlights, then send. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I don’t have 45 minutes to devote to reading your love letter.