A Letter To My Deceased Mother, I Forgive You

I forgive you. I truly thought I would never have the courage nor the tolerable heart to ever repeat those three words, out loud even. However, I am certain that with matureness and a forgiving heart, anything is attainable. Forgiving a woman who had selfishly left her three daughters in multiple grocery stores after promising that you were just running to the “restroom” and never returning to your children all under the ages of six-years-old, yes, I never thought I could ever find the goodness in myself to forgive someone such as you.

Remembering the moments where I was being held by genuine police officers in front of grocery stores, as they were trying to find your whereabouts, are moments that are embedded in my inner being, forever. Forgiving a woman who would neglectfully put her three daughters in the backseat of a car and as you would test the high of Methamphetamine and the speed of a car, I never thought it was possible to forgive a mother who made such an effort to kill her children. The reoccurring flashbacks I still inhibit of innocently watching you, as you would open the driver’s side door and recklessly jump out of the car while in full speed, will never leave the dusty and dark corners of my soul.

Unfortunately, trauma doesn’t vanish from our minds over night, years, and throughout life’s inevitable experiences. It does not work like that. I will not openly reminisce on all of the times you lost your battle of trying to kill your three children, because somewhere deep down in the core of my stomach, I know you are just as aware, may even a little more of all that you were capable of. And to remind you of all the times that you could not handle being a mother of three beautiful children, is something that still brings an infinite amount of chills down my spine and my mouth begins to water, because the thought of a mother who believed her blameless children were unworthy of her love, makes my stomach turn in utter disgust.

I will never be able to fully apprehend how most mother’s worst nightmares of their children being abandoned, harmed or dead, was in all actuality, a reality for you. From having strange men occupy our house at all hours of the night, while you and your company snorted perfect lines of Heroin on our coffee table and how you would selfishly throw us in front of the television with Coke-Cola in our bottles. I cannot fathom those long and lonely nights where my two sisters and I would be holding onto each others hands while we tried to fight sleep, in fear that another strange man would peek into our cold and dark bedroom again.

Or the times where you would constraint the three of us in the two dog kennels in our backyard because there were men inside of our home that were waiting for your high self to have sex with you. Hence you could not bear the expense of your own fixes, you genuinely gave away your once sacred body in return. Or to the times where my six-year-old sister had to rock my sister and I to sleep, with the two of us in each of her arms in fear of being separated, we were bonded in a way that was because of you and twenty-seven-years later, we still proudly are.

When I was sixteen-years-old and after not seeing you for over a decade, I was told that you had taken your own life. Unfortunately, you had finally let drugs win your way to death and to be quite frank with you, I did not show a single emotion to your passing. Truthfully, I felt relieved that someone like you, no longer serves a mere purpose here on earth, and if you ever did serve a purpose, it was when you had given birth to your three daughters. I know you will never be able to read this letter but I am writing this in hopes that one day my story can ultimately change the life of a once abused victim.

I want to let you know that because of you and the terrible life you willingly chose to live, I am not defined by you. I am a strong-willed woman who believes in the importance of embracing that damaged individuals can actually inspire and encourage others. I have grown up to appreciate that we have to encounter terrible mishappenings, only to value the fine ones. I am a woman who has been taught only by you, that demons only can consume us entirely, if we give them our permission to do so.

I want to let you know that I forgive you. I believe that forgiveness is a part of healing and without it, our wounds will never close entirely. Yes, they do leave scars, but I have found the beauty in each and everyone them. You have taught me that children do indeed deserve love, regardless if as a parent we feel as if we did not receive the proper quantity of unconditional love in our own lives. For the times you had neglected my sisters and I, you had taught us that we are all that we have and to accept a sisterly bond that can never be broken.

I understand that you had lived a hard and difficult life but that does not condone your actions. Truthfully, you do not deserve an excuse for the selfish life you willingly chose to live. I want to let you know that I will one day become a mother to beautiful children who will teach me how to live even more genuinely, kindly and selflessly. I will always remind them that they are deserving and worthy to accept all forms of selfless love. I will teach my children to live a meaningful life that is filled with significance.

I will cherish the moments where my children need me most and if that entails having tea parties on chairs and tables too small for me, I will make it possible. If that means falling off their twin size bed because they fear the dark at night, I will do just that, because when you love wholeheartedly, anything is possible.