The Letter I’ll Never Send You

It’s not because when we were dating, life was simpler. I think it’s accurate to say there’s a little nostalgia. I don’t think a second chance would even be a good idea. I don’t know if my personal growth would actually mean we have a shot at success and relationship that honors each other and honors God. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity for words and conversation to reach closure in this, in the midst of all the other loss I endured this year. Acceptance, I’m still working on that.

Because honoring God’s will is more important than the chemistry and attraction.

Maybe my bigger concern is that you don’t take the time to reflect. What if this is the redemption, what if this is you growing and learning in friendship and fighting and being yourself as you described, but you’re too dismissive of your emotions. I’m not going to be John Cusack and show up outside your balcony with a boom box and play some throwback song from your high school days.

But I will, when I’m weak, pray if I can, pray for you, pray for humility and guidance and the strength to accept God’s will and plan. Tell him my dreams but recognize his authority and superior planning skills.

My heart is sad because, thanks social media, I see you closing up. I see less joy. I see your heart hardening with the trials. But you have so much more than bitterness. You have weaknesses, but you have courage. You have conviction. You have good intentions and boldness to recognize when you were wrong. Please remember that.

Your life is not a sum of the bad days, the weak comments, the temptations that escape your lips. You’re a forgiven son of Christ, redeemed, and you’ve shown your strength and maturity in forgiveness and grace to me.

I wish you’d spoken up earlier and given us a chance to overcome the difference that stemmed from my insecurities. I wish. But I wish, beyond that, that you get that in my deepest of convictions and emotions, I’m really grateful for what we had. For the messy way it ended, for the flirtatious way you surprised me, the relationship that transitioned and pushed me that much closer to the responsibility and maturity of marriage.

God doesn’t waste. It’s no mistake the course He has us on and the struggles we’ve encountered. I don’t want failure. But the words from “Wicked” ring so true with you. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good. There are moments where I struggle to accept the thought that we may never meet again. I want you to find someone who can speak encouragement to you and be a ray of sunshine, but I also wanted that to be me. But it’s not, that’s done. That’s painful to say. The future terrifies me. I wish things could be simple. But it’s not, especially when I try and go at it alone without His guidance.

There will be pieces of you in every part of my life for a very long time to come. A tradition you introduced me to, a shot glass from a blissful excursion, record player we cozied up listening to, hands that tempted me to break down resistance, lips that remain unkissed, and a heart that was sewn back together, stronger today than on the evening we parted.