To The Boy Who Wanted To Be ‘Just Friends’

I will never tell you that I had you figured out from the start. (You’d say I was wrong, anyway.) I learned, from the way you carried yourself and talked to people, myself included, what kind of guy you were. You were attractive, forward, and playful, with a cocky edge that drove me all kinds of crazy. Call it instinct telling me to stay away, but for the first several months that I knew you, we didn’t talk much, if at all. Maybe I should’ve felt bad that I had developed preconceived notions about you. I never took the time to really get to know you, but honestly, I didn’t want to take that time. Not just with you, with anyone.

I will never tell you that somehow, against all odds, you started breaking through to me. It only took a few of your random gestures for my over-active mind to jump to an, albeit correct, conclusion. I tried to resist your increasing attempts at communication, and I must confess, I think you mistook my initial sass for flirting. Not that it matters, because that is undeniably what it turned into. In a few days you went from some guy I knew, to someone whose attention I desired. But I told myself I didn’t care. I didn’t want you; I merely wanted your affection. Yet it became your name only that I wanted to see on my phone.

I will never tell you how good it felt to see you. I never cared if it was minutes or hours, I found myself just wanting to be with you. Whenever we were together, there was a palpable chemistry between us. I wonder if you felt it too, or if it was only me. I liked the way you didn’t care who was around; you seemed to always want your hands on me. That was new. You were the first guy to openly show me affection. Mentally, I tried to keep you at a distance, even though I knew I wasn’t afraid so much of you as I was of my own feelings. I was trying to not have any, and didn’t know how you felt either. I was skeptical of what you wanted from me, but feared asking would ruin whatever this was becoming.

To be clear, I was confused as to what this even was, which was both thrilling and maddening. It turned into a frustrating struggle, between wanting to see you, and trying to protect myself. In the end, you won. You made me smile and laugh more than I had in the longest time. Yes, I was nervous and scared and skeptical, but beneath that was happiness like I’d never felt before. This was fun. You were fun. That may be difficult for you to understand, how my happiness could be buried under all those other emotions, but it was, and you started to get through to it. I only hope that you realize you did.

I don’t think you understand that you were the first person I let see this side of me. No one has ever broken through to me, not the way you did. I had tried to avoid you, tried not to care, tried not to let you in, but somewhere along the line, I failed on all three accounts. I don’t know how this happened, but it was happening — and it was all so fast. But that night you told me you weren’t looking for a relationship. I wanted to give you more of myself, and I was trying to, but I guess it wasn’t enough.

Do you think I like having countless thoughts simultaneously running through my mind? I have tried to focus my thoughts on one thing at a time, or simply nothing at all, but it can’t be done. I know I am denying myself so much pleasure in life by overanalyzing literally every real and imagined situation. I know this. But that doesn’t mean I have learned to control it yet. It is amazing that I managed to not overthink everything you said and did. Maybe this is progress. Or maybe I simply got tired of resisting you.

I will never tell you that I am truly thankful for everything you said and did for me. You helped me realize that I shouldn’t care what other people say about me. If I’m doing what makes me happy, who cares what others think or say? You helped me realize I really must learn to relax and not let my overactive mind keep me from enjoying life. You helped me realize that I am capable of letting people in, even if it takes me a while to stop psyching myself out. You made me feel wanted. Sure, it hurts not knowing how you feel, and not knowing if I will see you again, but oddly enough, I’m thankful for that, too.

I will never tell you why I keep all these confessions held tight. To tell you would leave me completely vulnerable. I would be baring my true emotions to you, someone who doesn’t want a relationship or commitment. How can I give myself completely to someone who will not return the favor? If I told you all these things I would seem weak and desperate, and you liked me better when I was sassy and resistant. But I’m not those things anymore. Not towards you. You broke through to me, and I would open up to you if I felt safe. I did that night in your arms, but I don’t now, weeks later with no word from you since.