These Are The Things I Never Told You

I never told you that I can’t make eye contact when you’ve been drinking, because the dopey look in your eye makes me see how awkward you must have been growing up. I never told you that you rub your peach fuzz when we’re watching movies on his couch and the scratching sound echoes in my brain like a jackhammer. I never mentioned that your blue shorts are ridiculously unattractive and that when you wear brown belts with black shorts, it just looks a little off.

I never told you that taking four hours to reply to a text message is inconsiderate. I never told you that your best friend said I was too good for you, and that I should find someone else because you’re really not a good person. I never told you that I’ve started to realize your best friend is right.

I never told you that I’m not jealous or worried of the new girl in your life, because once she gets to know you, she will also either leave or be pushed away. If she has her life together, she will not want to be a part of yours. I never laid it out loud and clear that you are broken and unfixable, and I was only there to help you hold the pieces of yourself together. I cannot be the glue.

I never told you that if you texted me after I’d been on dates with other guys, I would leave them kissless on the sidewalk just so I could meet up with you. I never told you that I try to wear things you like, that I try to be unaffected and sexy, and that I literally do not have any idea how to be something you miss. I never told you that the last person in my life never loved me, and I did not know how to change that. I never told you that I am a chaser and a runner, all at once.

I never told you that when you texted me after you stood me up and said, “I could really use your company,” it ripped my heart out. I never told you that using me as an emotional security blanket has been more taxing on my spirit than anything else I’ve ever known. I never told you that I am exhausted because I am constantly worrying about you.

I never told you that all I ever wanted was to be with you, to be yours. I never fought for my right to be your girlfriend, or put myself on the table as an option. I could never mention that I’m the right choice, because I have a serious fear of rejection. I will never let you know that I’ve felt rejected by you since the day we met. 
I never told you that when you drink, you can either tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world or that you think I’m pathetic.

I should have told you all the things whiskey lets you do and say, and how I really do hold it against your character even though I try not to. I never told you that you are selfish in bed and used me like a rag doll. I never told you that I resent you for not holding me afterwards.

I never told you that I stay up some nights because I know you always call me when you’re sick of your other friends.

I never told you that if I am where you are in 8 years, I will never forgive myself. I never told you that I think you live a sad, fruitless life in your friend’s basement, doing the same things you’ve done for the better part of a decade. I will never ever utter the words “I think you’re a coward for staying here,” even though that’s what I believe. I will never tell you that I don’t think you will ever find someone else like me. You will never hear me say that you would be a good father—although I know you would be.

I never told you I loved you, and I will never give you the credit of actually having earned my love, because you never gave me the chance to do so.

I never told you that I’m not really sorry. That I think I have leverage over you. I never told you that I think I’m a better person, even though you’re not supposed to say that out loud. I never told you that I think you have a drinking problem, and that you’re toxic.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are a lot of things I could have said to prevent getting to this point. I could have been more honest, more open, a little more cruel. I could have stood up for myself a little bit, held my ground and walked away. I could have been a little bigger, stronger… but I am not that person. I am not able to hurt people if they deserve it, because I don’t think anyone deserves it. I am not that person.