10 Reasons To Give Up Dating And Become A Nun

1. One of the big men upstairs died on a cross for you, while you can’t even get a regular man to put down the remote for an hour to take you to Applebee’s for a 2 for $20. Wouldn’t you rather spend of the rest of your life dedicated to a man who sacrificed his life for others, as opposed to a man who is too busy to take his hand out of his pants to give you a hand cleaning the house?

2. Unlimited supply of wine. There will be less reasons to drink at the convent, because you won’t have the male species driving you to the point of insanity, but doesn’t it feel nice to know that you have 24/7 access to the sweetness joy in life and you don’t even need to pay for it?!

3. You can wake up looking like you just rolled out of your late night Saturday best walk of shame outfit and NO ONE WOULD CARE. Fashion/make up/hair are not an issue when you have the same thing to wear every day, around the same women who are avoiding the same idiot males as you are. Hell you don’t even have to wear underwear if you don’t want to, just deodorant and go! (Maybe a shower would be nice to the other nuns, but not judging if you don’t, just a suggestion).

4. You are going to feel healthier than ever! Say goodbye to Ben and Jerry and that larger waist line created by the last dumbass making you stress eat because he was not calling you. Say hello to getting a full night’s rest, with no dreams about whomever was making you lose sleep for weeks on end. Your eyes are not going to be puffed beyond because you have been crying for hours because he forgot it was your birthday and would rather hang out with his “bros”. We all know the unhealthy habits we pick up because the male species makes us lose control, now you can have those healthy moments back and feel better than ever!

5. It is much more acceptable to be a dog/cat lady when you are a nun. If you live alone in a house filled with animals, it is frowned upon or looked as if you are a sad, old, single spinster that was never able to lady a man in your life and you are trying to replace that love with the one attached to a leash. If you are a nun with a house full of several hundred dogs or cats it looks as if you are doing a good deed for the animal kingdom and you are a saint for taking them all in! Load up on the cuties and enjoy a love that is so much better than a man could ever give you!

6. Being pregnant with Satan’s baby is no longer a concern. Yes you are saying goodbye to significant part of your “love life” that can be fun and eventful, but you will never had to worry about some unwanted foreign creature growing inside you. The normal concerns when looking at potential sperm downers: “Where has that thing been?!” “How many times has that thing been used?!” “Has that thing been hooker tested and doctor approved?!” are no more!

7. Those worry lines on your face disappeared. You know why? Cause you don’t have to worry about him running around with strippers and getting one of them knocked up with Satan’s baby or bringing home an unwanted stripper disease surprise! Go ahead and touch all the strippers you want to, I have an unlimited supply of wine that if you even take a step near I can have someone strike you down with lightening because that’s what nuns have the power to do! (Don’t get so excited, you are not going to get magical powers like Harry Potter, but they answer to the Big Man upstairs, so he does throw some powers their way when they need it!)

8. Your anxiety has gone down and the battery life on your iPhone has gone up. You realize how many times a day you check your phone, with or without a guy? Now you are not checking your phone a million times a day to see if he has called/texted/sexted/emailed/Facebooked/Tweeted/Instagramed/Snapped something about his relationship status with you or any other hooker he has been hanging out with on the side. YOU ARE TECHNOLOGICALLY FREE OF THIS DOUCHE!

9. Your optimistic vibes will be flying high. Not only are your negative thoughts going to be gone about men, you are going to be living a more positive life because you will be rid of the toxic energy you have been drowning in. Other than beating a child or two back in the day, when have you seen a nun that wasn’t out there in the world doing something positive for the world? Hell Mother Teresa was top of the list for one of the most positive chicks in the world (Don’t quote me on that, I have no idea, but if there is a list out there for caring/giving women in the world, she is on it). Acts of kindness are going to make you feel good about life and positive thinking are going to make you feel good about life. Let’s start by not kicking your ex in the balls or going Carrie Underwood on his car. Just keep building from that and the positivity can’t be stopped!

10. Your sanity will come back and you will have a purpose in life again! Not that you didn’t have your sanity or a purpose in life before, but when some of us are caught up in a relationship with the wrong man, our lives tend to be all about our relationship with him and his arm muscles. We have a tendency to lose focus on what is really important in life and in that we lose all sense of ourselves, because we are easily distracted by arm muscles. Now you can go out, be free and starting living a life for something/someone else and that someone else is you!