10 Things Mulder Would Mistake For X-Files In 2015

By Tyler Vendetti

Thirteen years after Mulder and Scully bid farewell to The X-Files, Fox announced that the Internet’s favorite supernatural crime-fighting duo would return for a six episode mini reboot. The revival, set in 2016, hopes to explore the pair’s post-FBI lives through a collection of mythology-heavy and standalone episodes. It’s been over a decade since Mulder and Scully signed off and in that time, the world has become a dramatically different place, filled with new technologies, corrupt politicians, and inexplicably popular celebrity families. How would Mulder react to these changes? What sort of things might Mulder mistake for an X-File in 2015? Well, to start…

1. Siri

An iOS application developed by an electronics company that uses sophisticated technology to assist users in completing everyday tasks? Or a woman’s spirit trapped within the mechanism by Apple, who is using human souls to create the most effective device on the market? Or perhaps a hyper-intelligent robot programmed to monitor iPhone users and gauge their knowledge of top-secret government initiatives? Mulder is open-minded about a lot of things, but I can’t imagine that a handheld gadget that we talk to and carry around in our pockets is one of them.

2. Drones

Mulder would have a field day with these puppies. Whether they’re military drones created for the purpose of spying on other countries or commercial drones used to deliver king-sized candy bars in 30 minutes or less, Fox would definitely take an interest in these flying, spidery machines, probably after accidentally mistaking one for a UFO.

3. Amazon’s “Recommended for You” feature

Mulder: How does Amazon know I like sunflower seeds, Scully?

Scully: If I had to guess, I’d say that they use some sort of algorithm to determine a user’s interests based off of their purchase history and browsing patterns.

Mulder: But look here, it’s recommending Morley cigarettes. That’s the same brand that the Smoking Man uses! Why would that show up on my “recommended items” if I’ve only searched for those cigarettes one time?

Scully: Mulder, you’re not suggesting that the FBI is monitoring your Amazon history? That would be a waste of government resources, and for what? To figure out what your favorite snack is?

I could go all day.

4. Criss Angel

There is a fine line between “magic” and “supernatural abilities.” At least, in Fox Mulder’s mind. The controversial magician and television personality is known for expertly tricking the public and pulling off seemingly impossible stunts. While some of Angel’s tricks may be easy to debunk, others would likely leave Mulder scrambling for a plausible explanation.

5. Photoshopped pictures on the Internet

Say what you want about Fox Mulder, but he is a pretty smart guy. He graduated at the top of his class at Oxford and was one of the best agents at the Academy before he joined the X-Files and became Spooky Mulder. However, his determination to uncover the truth can cloud his perception, as Scully would be quick to point out. This would make him the perfect victim for all of those Photoshop or YouTube pranks on the Internet. He’s been duped by doctored photos before (Season 1, Episode 17 for example), so I see nothing stopping some graphic design major from pulling the wool over his eyes with some fake Loch Ness monster photo or spaceship snapshot.

6. The cat video phenomena

To most people, the world’s obsession with cat videos seems only natural. Cute cats plus user-friendly video platform equals a claw-some Internet trend. To Mulder, though, it may seem like a clever form of brainwashing. I’d bet money that he has at least one folder on his computer dedicated to kitten videos that he believes are layered with subliminal messages. “Cats are great! Humans aren’t. KILL ‘EM ALL.”

7. Extra nipples

No matter how many times Scully will tell Mulder that extra nipples are medical anomalies, he will insist that they are, in fact, alien tracking devices surgically inserted into babies by government doctors. “So you’re telling me that some humans are just randomly born with a build-up of extra skin cells that serve no greater purpose than to embarrass them on beach trips and at pool parties? I think you’re missing the bigger picture, Scully.”

8. Autotune

Autotune may be used to correct Nicki Minaj’s pitch problems but it could also be used to disguise the voice of a government agent who is threatening to shut down the X-Files. Not to mention, it sounds eerily similar to the unidentified “alien” transmissions that the FBI has worked so hard to cover up. Who’s to say that autotune isn’t a sinister government tool that uses alien technology to infiltrate our culture?

9. Northern Lights

You see streaks of light in the sky caused by the collision of gaseous particles in the atmosphere. Mulder sees luminous spaceship discharge. Of course, the Northern Lights have been around for awhile, but I can see Mulder vocalizing his doubts about this phenomena well into 2015.

10. Pink Slime

The X-Files owes its popularity to unexplained goo. At least, in part. Many of its episodes are centered around unidentified blobs or substances, so it’s only fitting that Mulder would see reports of “pink slime” (AKA the “textured beef” that they serve in public schools) and automatically assume paranormal involvement. Honestly, I wouldn’t disagree with him there.