Buzzwords In The Bedroom, Part II

1. “I have never ever used anything like that! I don’t need boner pills! I’ll have you know that I get erections when the wind blows against my manhood! I am completely dedicated to organic growth. It’s just that I’m hammered drunk right now, you see.”

2. “No way. No. Remember what happened the last time we tried the sex swing? I don’t care if it’s our anniversary. If I’m making love to you and we’re not lying in a bed, I’ll have to have my boots on the ground.”

3. “I feel like we should at least give it the old college try. I’ve been crowd sourcing—nevermind where!—and butt stuff seems to really be trending right now. I even read about how it had a really strong presence at South-By this year! This according, of course, to all the butt stuff influencers out there.”

4. “So um, yeah. My roommate uploaded that video of us doing butt stuff to that one porn site…No, I didn’t show it to him! Look he just found it OK? Ugh, yes, we’re talking offline right now. Promise. But anyway, it’s getting a lot of engagement—the comments are actually really flattering. Oh, come on! Don’t be that way! There are much worse ways to go viral, if you know what I’m talking about. (I’m talking about STDs!)”

5. “You’re right! It is really nice to gaze longingly and lovingly into your eyes while we’re in the throes of passionate lovemaking. You’ve really done a great job of driving my conversion to this position. You could actually call me a Missionary advocate at this point.”

6. “If you ask me, pinging all our friends to invite them to an orgy is really just about mustering a community and amplifying their interest in sexual freedom. I really feel like by doing this little grassroots email campaign, we can facilitate some serious word-of-mouth publicity around town. Might even get picked up for an interview. Sites are always looking for content about edgy stuff like orgies. I don’t want to get too excitable about this, but we might even get picked up for a think piece! That’d create some serious buzz.”

7. “Wait, you want me to do what on your chest? AND ROCK BACK AND FORTH? Why are you even into that sort of thing? I’m not sure I’m tracking. If I’m going to even think about doing this, you’re going to need to give me some serious and convincing Reasons to Believe that it is sexually arousing and not psychologically damaging. Also, do you have any idea why this certain maneuver is named after Cleveland?”

8. “Look. We’ve been doing this forever now. And I want a commitment from you. A serious one. So no more blow jobs until I get a ring. Yes. That’s right. This is a Request for Proposal.”

9. “Wow. Nobody has made me orgasm like that in ages. It’s like you naturally knew exactly what would get me going, even though we just met. You’re very intuitive! Hey, where are you going? I paid for an hour and that’s what I’m going to get. I need to get a positive Return of Investment on this or I can’t justify the expense.”