Rejected X-Men Stories: Wolverine And Iceman Have A Disagreement In The Locker Room
By Rob Gunther
Iceman had just finished his morning workout in the Danger Room. When he went to his locker to grab his soap and shampoo, he found Wolverine rifling through his bag of toiletries. There were loose razor blades on the floor. The deodorant was out, the plastic cap tossed to the side. Wolverine was wearing Iceman’s towel around his waist.
“What the hell man?” Iceman threw his hands in the air.
“What the hell to you too, bub,” Wolverine shot back without looking up, without even stopping his rummaging through Iceman’s belongings.
“Come on, Wolverine, I asked you to stop doing this.”
“Doin’ what?”
“Don’t pull that amnesiac shit on me. Seriously, why do you keep doing this to me? Why do keep breaking the lock off of my locker and going through my stuff?”
“Heh. I don’t know whatchyer thinkin’ puttin’ a lock on that locker. You know I’ve got these claws, eh? Cut right through anythin’.”
“Yeah, OK, that’s fine man, I know you can cut through anything. It was more of a gesture, like a symbolic lock, like please don’t go into my locker, like could you please stop rummaging through my stuff and … using my deodorant? What’s the deal? Why always my the deodorant?”
“I just thought it smells nice is all.”
“So why don’t you just buy some of your own? Come on, you used my deodorant yesterday, and I was just like, fine, keep it, it’s yours. What happened to that one?”
“They all smell nice. I have a really heightened sense o’ smell. You know it’s one of my mutant powers …”
“OK, great, that’s one of your powers, terrific. Am I getting through to you? With the multiple deodorants?”
“Ya know, because I can smell it, through yer bag.”
“Jesus, I get it. Smelling powers, give me a break. How many powers do you have anyway? The claws and healing and strength and … smelling powers, what do they have to do with anything? What’s the big picture here? What kind of powers are Wolverine powers? Just a bunch of dumb stupid junk powers that don’t have anything to do with each other?”
“Heh. Better ‘n just ice powers, snowflake.”
“Yeah, well you know what? At least I’ve got a consistent thing going on. It’s easy, it’s Iceman. I’m the guy with the ice powers. It’s not like you see me with a little bit of super speed, and maybe some extra abilities where my hair comes up to a stupid point at the sides, and I’d have some crazy name that makes no sense at all, like ‘Oh, hey everybody, from now on, I want my superhero name to be Octane,’ or some bullshit. For real, why Wolverine? You ever a see a wolverine in real life? They’re like little rats with claws. Come on dude, you’re a joke. Why don’t you just go back to Japan or disappear in the Yukon for a while? Because seriously, everybody hates you around here.”
“The professor don’t hate me.”
“Yes he does. He absolutely hates you.”
“No he doesn’t.”
“I’m telling you, for real, listen to me here, the Professor can’t stand you. Whenever you leave the room he’s always making fun of your dumb accent and your stupid haircut.”
“I don’t have a dumb accent.”
“I doon’t have a doomb aah-xent.”
Snikt! Wolverine drew his claws.
“Oh wow, I’m really scared now. Oh man, Wolverine popped his knives out. I guess I shouldn’t have made fun of his dumb accent. Oh jeez, man, Wolverine, hey, buddy, I’m really sorry. Can we just forget about this maybe? I’m just, wow, I’m really, really scared. I don’t know if … just … holy …”
“It’s OK, bub.”
Snikt! Wolverine retracted his claws.
“Apology accepted.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I said apology accepted.”
“You moron, I wasn’t apologizing.”
“Oh yeah? Well why’d ya say sorry then, eh?”
“Are you for real? You don’t have any sense of sarcasm at all?”
“Just sayin’. You said sorry, I said it’s cool. We’re both X-Men. I’ll be the bigger person.”
“But I didn’t … I can’t even. That’s how sarcasm works. I was pretending to say sorry like I was all scared. That was the joke. Because I’m not scared of you, you and you’re dumb smelling powers. I have powers too, you know.”
“Heh. Yeah, you’ve got snow powers.”
“Are you still talking shit? Are you for real right now? Just because I don’t walk around brooding all day, disrespecting everyone else’s personal space, smoking a dumb cigar and riding a lame-ass motorcycle doesn’t mean I’m any less powerful than you. I don’t think you’re that powerful.”
“That cigar ain’t a power. That’s just a cigar.”
“Yeah, idiot, I know it’s a cigar. I can’t even have a conversation with you.”
“Yeah, because you’d lose at a conversation just like you’d lose at a fight.”
“I wouldn’t lose at a fight. Do you have any idea what I’m capable of? I could freeze you right in your tracks.”
“Heh, I can handle the cold. I’m from upstate.”
“Yeah, whatever, I could freeze the blood in your veins. I could bury you underneath a goddamn iceberg. You know what entropy is? Huh? Of course you don’t. But it’s fucking cold. For real. That’s where this is heading, everything, the universe, all of our atoms, it’s all heading to the cold, the big freeze, and you know who’s the only one around here ready for another ice age?”
“Yeah. Me. Wolverine.”
“No, not fucking Wolverine. It’s me. Iceman.”
“OK, well, I disagree, bub.”
“Fuck you, Wolverine. Just … just go fuck yourself. Fucking asshole. And stop using my fucking deodorant. Seriously, one more time and I’m going to Cyclops.”
“Heh. Cyclops.”
Iceman stormed out. Two seconds later he stormed back in to scoop up his duffel bag, his things still strewn around his open locker.
“Wolverine, come on, please, please, I’m asking you nicely, as a teammate, as an X-Man, just knock it off. I can’t do this anymore. It’s not fair. Why don’t you pick on somebody else? Why do you keep doing this to me? Just keep the deodorant. I’ll buy you deodorant whenever you want. Come on man, just … enough, please, I live here too, you know.”
“Heh. Sure thing snowman. All you ever had to do was ask.”
“I asked you yesterday. I asked you the day before yesterday.”
“Really? What’d I say?”
“You said, ‘sure thing snowman,’ just like you said right now.”
“OK, so I agreed, I don’t see what the fuss is all about.”
“Because you can’t just say one thing and then keep doing something else. That’s not cool.”
“You calling me a liar, bub?”
“No, I’m not, I’m just asking you, politely, please, this has to end. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Heh, sure thing snowman.”