Why We Should Spend More Time On Social Media

The consensus is that we need to put our phones down and interact.

You know, like make eye contact and talk about our feelings and such.

Well I say we should be spending even more time on social media. In fact, I wasted nine minutes updating my LinkedIn profile before writing this sentence. Now I’m head intern in charge of interns at a company that doesn’t even hire interns.

Facebook is a great way to meet people. You may not be the most popular kid in school. Maybe you were picked last for kickball. Maybe you reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign homework. Or maybe you threw a hissy fit in the cafeteria because Tony stole your candy bar from the vending machine again.

You’re clearly not the type to attract real-life friends, but on Facebook, you can make friends from all over the world. All you have to do is send a friend request to a stranger and, boom, best friend city. I, for example, have 884 Facebook friends. And I talk to most of them daily.

Twitter is another great tool to waste away your day. Read the same news updates from several different sources, decipher carefully constructed posts from politicians, or check out athletes promoting fake charities.

In terms of tweeting, you should probably tweet often about your personal life. Airing out frustrations on Twitter helps relieve stress so complain about your job and vent about your love life. And it’s not annoying, petty, or downright immature to subtweet about someone specifically. As long as you don’t mention them by name, no harm done.

But Instagram may be the most useless app of them all. Damn is it captivating. Spend time browsing pictures of sunsets, dogs, and various desserts. Or work on your video skills and upload a short clip of you doing something ridiculous like chugging a bottle of Mountain Dew.

On the ‘gram, it’s all about the metaphor game. I made my Instagram debut with a picture of a Cape Cod potato chip resting on my shoulder. It was a big hit with the ladies, as I gained a couple of followers and also 16 likes.

You see, the more likes you get on Instagram, the better person you are. This is why people care so much about hitting those record-high “like” numbers. Just yesterday, while pretending to study in the library, my friend asked if she could borrow my phone. She proceeded to search for her profile on Instagram to like a picture of herself that she posted days ago. The extra like was important as it bumped up her like total to triple digits.

In my estimation, you can’t measure Instagram effectiveness based solely off total likes. To compute your “true like percentage,” you must divide likes by total followers. This formula will gauge how popular you are among your peers. And it will also test your math skills.

On LinkedIn, it’s all about showcasing these skills. You need to brag about all the work experience you have so people will think you’re important. It doesn’t matter if you actually have any relevant experience; it’s about pretending that you do.

You remember that job where you made eight bucks an hour to sit around at a company and do your homework? Call that “establishing a strong portfolio for the brand through channel distribution,” or “providing descriptive research analytics for future growth.”

These are actual quotes from a kid’s LinkedIn page I found.

And he sounds corporate as fuck.